Iron Chef: Saiyuki Style
by E-sama the Llama
Summary: What might happen if the bishounen and bishoujo of Saiyuki are forced to cover for Kaga & Co. on an episode of "Iron Chef"? Can we all say "mayhem"? PG-13. (various pairings) Crossover, Shonen ai/yaoi, Humor/Parody, Language, Squick. AU-OOC.
1. prologue & teaser:: In the Beginning

Ever wonder what happens when an angst epic gets too tiring and a muse of sorrow takes a break? Well, here at the Casa de Llama, that usually means Erato, my lemon and romance muse, steps in and does a one-shot, blisteringly *hot* sex scene for some deserving bishounen but this time it was her sister, Thalia, my rarely heard from humor muse, who answered the call. 

{shakes head and is as surprised by this as many of the readers might be even as thundering music plays in the background, the same as that which underscores the proceedings on "Iron Chef"}

Hence, to the utter amazement of myself and perhaps others, allow me to introduce the latest llama-fic-in-progress -- "Iron Chef: Saiyuki Style"! 

{allows the laughter to subside then continues}

As the title so clearly implies, this is indeed a crossover with that marvelously quirky cooking show from Japan which features a standing army of four top-notch chefs who are ready to do battle against whatever challenger is chosen by their "lord and master", the inimitable Chairman Kaga! Granted, this won't be anywhere close to a reverent treatment of that grand show, neither will it be terribly well written most likely, but I certainly hope it will be funny for those of you who decide to give it a try. 

Please note that this is indeed a shonen ai/yaoi piece and the pairings plus detailed warnings are listed in the indicia of the prologue plus teaser below and I hope you will heed them before reading it. Whether or not this madness is continued so you can get answers to the questions in the teaser will depend on reader support here at fanfiction.net, so please leave supportive comments if you want more. If you don't want more, just ignore this and I'll probably abandon it soon enough on my own.

{bows and vanishes even as the soundtrack from "Backdraft" echoes in his ears}

Enjoy the Madness!

~~~Enigma~~~

(who just realized this is his first humor fic in over a year and a half and is suddenly wondering if this is such a good idea after all or not {shrugs, smirks, and runs it anyway} )

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Title: Iron Chef: Saiyuki Style [prologue & teaser]

Author: Enigma

Series: Saiyuki 

Written: September, 2002

Rating: PG-13 

Pairings: (Gojyo + Hakkai) (Kougaiji + Dokugakuji) (Sanzo + ?!?) [possibly more!]

Category: Crossover, Shonen ai/yaoi, Humor/Parody, Language, Squick. AU-OOC.

Archive: fanfiction.net [author: "E-sama the Llama"]

Warnings: crossover with "Iron Chef" [1], shonen ai/yaoi, occasionally tasteless humor, tongue-very-far-in-cheek parody, less than gentile language, squicky things here and there, far more random Japanese than normally found in a llama-fic because it's fun and silly, additional warnings and pairings possible as fic comes into being over time. AU-OOC!

Spoilers: To be on the safe side, assume that this is chockfull of spoilers big and small since when the Llama gets silly he often grabs too much from an anime series without realizing it. Oh, and to be even SAFER, assume the manga, the OVAs, and the movie are at risk, too. As for "Iron Chef" what's to spoil? 

Disclaimer: "Saiyuki" is the property of Kazuya Minekura, et al. "Iron Chef" is a production of Fuji Television Network Inc. This unauthorized work of unpaid fanfiction is intended for entertainment only; kindly do not sue me.

Notes: What might happen if the bishounen and bishoujo of Saiyuki are forced to cover for Kaga & Co. on an episode of "Iron Chef"? Can we all say "mayhem"? I knew that we could!

*****

Kanzeon bosatsu drummed her long, perfectly manicured fingernails on the armrest of her special "Goddess Edition" La-z-boy ™ chair and scowled angrily at her right hand man as she demanded, "*What* did you just say, Jirousin?!" [2] 

Sweat-dropping profusely and correctly fearing the wrath of an immortal beauty whose favorite TV program had unexpectedly announced plans to show a special "encore performance"--a.k.a. an unplanned rerun, something goddesses truly detest, of course--the bearded godling responded, "Forgive me if I failed to speak clearly, oh great one, but I said that 'Iron Chef' is showing the 'New York Battle' again this week."

Growling in a most unladylike fashion, the annoyed celestial asked archly, "And why, pray tell, would they expect us to endure *that* fiasco again?!" She snarled angrily, "Shit, seeing Bobby Flay almost electrocute himself was funny the first few times, after that it just got redundant."

"I know, majesty, I know," the poor man agreed, bowing repeatedly and trying to think of a way to break the *real* bad news to her highness. Not coming up with a brilliant plan within the time allotted, he gave in and told the mundane truth, "Um, it would appear that the entire regular cast was hit by food poisoning after last week's special Korean-centric kim chee battle and they are all still recovering." [3] 

Oddly enough, this evoked a bit of sympathy from the previously uncaring goddess and she scrunched her face up and exclaimed, "Ewwwww!! They had the usual number of dishes all made out of over-spiced pickled cabbage *and* it wouldn't stay down?!" Turning her head aside and reaching for some mints she kept handy for distasteful revelations, you know, like finding out the bad guys were actually pretty decent fellows one couldn't obliterate with a wave of a heavenly hand, she added, "Now *that* had to hurt!"

"So true, so very true," the much-put-upon godling agreed with a sigh.

After thoughtfully munching on her peppermint Life-savers ™, all of which read "Titanic" on them for some reason, Kanzeon bosatsu finally said, "Well, in that case, we'll have to do the show ourselves!" As the bearded man beside her paled visibly, she clapped her hands in delight and added, "Yes, that's a perfect solution! We'll give the world a whole new level of excitement in culinary warfare!"

Knees shaking and imagining the reaction if the easily annoyed Genjo Sanzo was told he was to be the flashy Chairman Kaga's replacement--something that would *not* go over well in *any* language!--the godling asked nervously, "Um, but what shall we call this undoubtedly unforgettable show, majesty?"

"What else?" The sexy immortal smirked, "It will be 'Iron Chef: Saiyuki Style!'"

Groaning as he face-faulted and ended up flat on the floor with one foot in the air like an incredibly overwhelmed manga character, Jirousin waved a hand to enact the goddess' wish and with a flash, they vanished from their heavenly palace entirely. Where they were to reappear and which of the poor, suffering souls they had influence over would become entangled in Kanzeon bosatsu's first venture in television production remained to be seen. 

After all, this is only the beginning….

*****

To be continued…?

Author's Notes:

[1] For those of you who may not be familiar with it, "Iron Chef" is the remarkable Japanese cult favorite that shows on Food Network here in the US on Friday and Saturday nights at 10 Eastern as well as numerous specials. The show's a delightful amalgam of culinary excellence in a one-hour, competitive format filmed, oddly enough, in an arena like soundstage named "Kitchen Stadium". You don't really have to have seen the show to find this pathetic attempt at humor funny, but it might help.

[2] The names of the Saiyuki characters used in this fic are as per the "Saiyuki Official Fan Book" unless otherwise noted. Also, as for all the insane nicknames, terms of endearment, and appellations, um, well, uh, I blame too much angst and not enough playtime for my muses while we've been fighting to stay on-track with "Fateful Encounters".

[3] In all honesty, I used to love kim chee, but the experience the "Iron Chef" gang suffered from here is based on personal experience and it's been hard to face that super-spicy dish ever since!

~ + ~ + ~ + ~ begin teaser mode ~ + ~ + ~ + ~

If this misbegotten fic *is* continued, you will discover the answers to the following undoubtedly burning questions…

Who amongst the Saiyuki gang can *possibly* take Chairman Kaga's place and handle the MC duties with style, flair, *and* look pretty damned hot in what looks like one of the "Entertainer-formerly-known-as-Prince's" music video outfits with a few extra accessories?!

How can *anyone* expect the eternally-hungry Goku to control himself when he finds a veritable smorgasbord spread before him in top-quality cooking ingredients all of which look scrumptious to our adorable bakasaru?!

How will Dokugakuji handle Lirin after the vivacious child discovers that while her masculine counterpart from the Sanzo party is one of the invited guests *she* isn't?!

Who will be our challenger and what inspiration will she bring to Kitchen Stadium?! (Yes, this is a boring question, but it's one well worth pondering and it was one of the few of these that I could match to the usual commentary on "Iron Chef" so let it ride, okay?)

What the *hell* does Gojyo think he's doing flirting with not only the challenger but also Kanzeon bosatsu as well as Hakkai?!

Speaking of Hakkai, why isn't his trusty white dragon/pet/friend/jeep on his shoulder and why is there a special bottle of red wine set aside for the precious little thing as a reward for the end of the show?! 

Which of the Iron Chefs can possibly be expected to cope with this insanity and how can he deal with the fact that substantial, unauthorized samples of his dishes keep being stolen by floor reporter Ohta's replacement, a man who is making quite a nuisance of his charming self?!

Why is Sanzo reading something *other* than the newspaper for a change and shouldn't he be paying more attention anyway?! After all, not even the Sanbutusin's debit card can cover the damages if Goku loses control and decides that all those lovely non-chosen and highly expensive theme ingredients for future episodes look too tasty not to enjoy right away?! 

For that matter, what *will* be the theme ingredient for this most unusual battle of the century?! (Actually, this is an area your humble author needs some ideas for so, if you like this fic concept and have a suggestion, let me know, all right? I've got one in mind that I'm not completely sold on, so feel free to mention any vegetable, meat, or other item you feel is worthy of such excitement! Um, but not hot dogs. I did those before in "Gundanium Chef" and don't want to repeat myself even if that fic is two years old now.)

Why does Yaone keep whispering a million questions in Hakkai's ear and why doesn't the human-turned-youkai who already has a lover--thank you very much!--not feel the least bit worried that she might get a jealous scythe run through her for it?! 

Who gets to be in the royal box for the entire battle and what on earth is that strange flickering presence which keeps appearing and disappearing near them?!

Last but never least, who will win the culinary competition?! Whose cuisine will reign supreme?! Will it be the "Iron Chef" or perhaps the chosen Saiyuki cast member-cum-cook?! The heat will be *on*!!!

~ + ~ + ~ + ~ end teaser mode ~ + ~ + ~ + ~ 

Post Script:

Should there be enough support for this insanity, please plan to join us in Kanzeon bosatsu's version of Kitchen Stadium whenever Melpomene needs another break. After all, if Thalia broke free long enough to get this started *and* outline two or three more parts for future moments of madness, you just *know* this story's only going to get crazier in a *big* hurry!

{the llama bows appreciatively and then vanishes, most likely falling silent until more of "Fateful Encounters" is ready to share with the world in a day or two}

Please be advised: The prologue and teaser will be posted alone… isn't that a relief?

Posted: 02 September 2002 ~3:30am EDT


	2. chapter 1:: Our Warriors Assemble

Welcome!

Believe it or not, after over a month of waiting for Thalia--my typically AWOL humor muse--to get her cute little Grecian rear in gear, I'm pleased to announce that the first real chapter for this insane crossover is ready to share with the world! 

But before I do, please allow me to thank the very kind folks who indicated they enjoyed the prologue and teaser for this new effort of mine! It was truly a heartening experience to receive uplifting remarks and, in case anyone wondered, I'm not terribly bothered by the one non-supportive "review" any longer. After all, you can't please all of the people all of the time, and I have no intentions of letting one rude person ruin the fun the rest of us are having! 

{beams delightedly despite several exceptionally good reasons not to do so today, then introduces the latest from the Casa de Llama}

In tonight's surprisingly lengthy addition to "Iron Chef: Saiyuki Style", you will discover what happens when Sanzo and his entourage arrive at the Fuji TV studios and encounter the other unfortunate souls who where dragged into this madness. What will happen? Who will be insulted? Who will reach for their weapon first? Who will fight over a meat bun? Who will wear a *really* silly outfit but still look pretty hot as far as his lover is concerned? And, that most burning of questions will finally be answered: WHICH of the Iron Chefs has to cope with this mess?! Find out now!!!

{sounds Kaga's Gong of Fate in the traditional signal to begin then chuckles and gets out of the way so you, too, can hopefully find something to smile about}

Enjoy!

~~~Enigma~~~

(who was horribly depressed last night since fanfiction.net made good on their threats and he now has ~80% fewer titles there than he did a few days ago. but instead of sitting and boo-hooing about it, he finished up this madness and found a smile in spite of himself. here's hoping it cheers up a few others who lost a lot here, too!)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Title: Iron Chef: Saiyuki Style [part 1/?]

Author: Enigma

Series: Saiyuki 

Written: begun September, 2002

Rating: PG-13 

Pairings: (Gojyo + Hakkai) (Kougaiji + Dokugakuji) (Sanzo + ?!?) 

Category: Crossover, Shonen ai/yaoi, Humor/Parody, Language, Squick. AU-OOC.

Archive: fanfiction.net & mediaminer.org [author: "E-sama the Llama"]

Warnings: crossover with "Iron Chef", shonen ai/yaoi, occasionally tasteless humor, tongue-very-far-in-cheek parody, less than genteel language, squicky things here and there, far more random Japanese than normally found in a llama-fic because it's fun and silly, additional warnings and pairings possible as the fic comes into being over time. AU-OOC!

Spoilers: To be on the safe side, assume that this is chockfull of spoilers for Saiyuki big and small since when the Llama gets silly he often grabs too much from an anime series without realizing it. Oh, and to be even SAFER, assume the manga, the OVAs, and the movie are at risk, too. As for "Iron Chef" what's to spoil? 

Disclaimer: "Saiyuki" is the property of Kazuya Minekura, et al. "Iron Chef" is a production of Fuji Television Network Inc. This unauthorized work of unpaid fanfiction is intended for entertainment only; kindly do not sue me.

Notes: What might happen if the bishounen and bishoujo of Saiyuki are forced to cover for Kaga & Company on an episode of "Iron Chef"? Can we all say "mayhem"? I knew that we could!

*****

"Tell me *again* why we're here?!" A completely livid blond in flowing silk robes with a bright red chakra on his forehead demanded as he and one of his traveling companions stepped into the Fuji TV studio where Iron Chef was filmed. 

Sweat-dropping nervously and waving a hand up and down in a hopefully soothing motion, a monocle-wearing brunette urged, "Maa, maa, calm down, Sanzo! It's just a one-hour television show that we have to film. How bad can it be?" The nervous, uncertain laugh that followed the statement did nothing at all to reassure the priest who was gazing around the large soundstage with anger that promised violence if he didn't get some reasonable answers soon.

"*Never* tempt fate by saying something like that, Hakkai," the droopy-eyed man growled almost inaudibly. Sanzo was about to offer his own opinion of whatever the thrice-damned force that had dragged them there could do with any number of sharp implements he saw on display when the third and fourth members of his entourage arrived.

"YATTA!!!" A loud scream broke the rhythm of the conversation as a small boy with a cape on his back and a crown on his head came racing in. Bouncing around like an overjoyed monkey, he proclaimed, "Food! Oh, there's so much wonderful, glorious, *food* here!!" 

Even as a tall, sexy-as-sin redheaded man sauntered sensuously towards the now sweat-dropping brunette, the umber-haired boy replicated into numerous super-deformed versions of himself and the chibi-Gokus surrounded the sutra-bearing priest all inquiring anxiously, "Ne, Sanzo? [1] Can I eat some, Sanzo? Ne, can I? Ne, ne, ne, Sanzo?!" When an answer took a fraction of a second too long to come from his annoyed guardian who was searching a sleeve-pocket for the huge paper fan he was sure he'd brought with him, the replicated youths loudly recited in unison, "Ne, Sanzo?! Ne?! Ne?! Ne?! N--" 

The final "ne" was cut off with a sharp downward slice of the Official Fan of Punishment--a.k.a. the OFP ™--and Sanzo shouted one of his most famous lines, "Urusai! Shi-ne, bakasaru!!" [2] 

While Gojyo snickered helplessly at the way Sanzo's veins popped on his forehead, he slid closer to Hakkai for reasons that should be obvious and merely watched wordlessly as the numerous Goku-clones immediately merged back into a single entity. 

Clasping his hands to his head and trying to protect himself, Goku whimpered apologetically, "Gomen, Sanzo, but I'm *hungry* and it all looks so good!!" Right on cue, his stomach rumbled exceptionally loudly rather like a lion cub's roar, a sound that echoed off the shiny metal pans hanging from racks above the cooking areas.

As the blond, brunette, and the redhead all sweat-dropped, a new masculine voice was heard insisting angrily, "I will *not* go out there and make a fool of myself!!" There were soft, feminine pleading noises being made off-stage and as a figure that was certainly quite impressive despite being rather on the short side for the leader of the opposing team so to speak strode onto the stage. The furious youkai prince added, "I will *not* wear some idiotic costume for some damned television show that I don't even want to *be* on!!" 

"But, Kougaiji-sama," a wonderfully sweet youkai girl with huge breasts and a weird outfit that involved a waistcoat that was chained to the tops of thigh-high stockings urged gently, "you look magnificent this way! Even more handsome than the dashing Chairman Kaga-sama himself! That lavender tuxedo with the rhinestones on the collar really suits you!" 

Yaone sighed dreamily, hands clasped in front of her like a child in prayer wishing she'd been allowed to change outfits, too. But since this was Kanzeon bosatsu's show and not hers, the attractive chemist/healer would remain in her typical garb the same as everyone else from the Saiyuki world had other than Kougaiji, of course. Then again, no one knew what roles everyone was to play other than the now outlandishly dressed youkai prince, so maybe she shouldn't have given up hope so easily. 

"It's not *that*," the irritated royalty insisted as he gazed at the matching top hat in his hand whose feathered plume was simply too effeminate for someone like himself, "it's this damned girly hat and this even stupider wand they want me to carry!" He glared pure death at a gentleman's walking stick which had a huge faux diamond at the top and attempted to destroy the accessory that should've belonged to Tuxedo Mask with angry red eyes muttering something about looking far too shoujo for his taste.

"Oi, Kougaiji!" Gojyo called out with a smirk on his face as he swaggered over, thrilled no end that he wouldn't be pressed into the charismatic MC's role. Reaching out and rudely fingering the new arrival's ornate, lacey white shirt collar that was peeking out demurely from under the tux's sparkly lapels, he asked teasingly, "Where'd ya get the cool threads, dude? Go shopping at the Goodwill Thrift Shop or something?" 

"Get your hands off me, dog!" Kougaiji snarled and slapped the hand away. 

Pouting and rubbing at his sore knuckles, the half-breed best known for chasing yet never catching women, gambling, drinking, smoking, and fighting with a certain monkey-boy, sniffled theatrically and whined, "Hidoi! That was mean!" 

Feeling abashed and regretting his outburst, the shorter man glanced away and grumbled quietly, "Sorry about that, Gojyo, but I am *not* in a very good mood right now." The fact that his finely chiseled and highly attractive chest was covered instead of being bare like usual, of course, had nothing to do with it. Yeah, right. 

"Oh? Why not?" A gentle tenor inquired seemingly from nowhere. [3] When the other three youkai all jumped slightly, Hakkai rubbed the back of his head nervously and asked, "Are you perhaps in a bad mood since Dokugakuji doesn't appear to be here, Kougaiji-san?" 

The green-eyed healer had indeed been wondering where his lover's half-brother was but that thought led him to wonder where the half-sister of the angry tuxedo-clad man was, as well, a contemplation that merely served to remind him how unbelievably screwed up the families in Saiyuki really were. On the other hand, another dreadfully important entity was missing and Hakkai would've been the first to admit he felt uncomfortable without hearing a friendly "Kyu?" or two since they'd arrived in this strange place.

As the high prince of the youkai blushed slightly, the crimson-haired man poked him playfully in the ribs and winked as he said, "Ah, so *that's* what's really bugging you, isn't it, Kou-Kaga-sama? Without my bro around, you're just not a happy camper are ya?" 

The tri-tailed man was about to deny this and state for what seemed like the millionth time that, no, he and his muscular second-in-command were just good friends--an assertion no one who had ever seen the two together could possibly believe, of course--when a cry of sheer horror rent the air.

"NO!!!" A masculine voice that none of those assembled thus far recognized screamed even as a young female youkai came bouncing into the room with an insanely tall, brightly colored satin chef's hat on her head. The same unidentified voice then cried out in distressed tones, "Get back here, you little vixen! That's my lucky hat!"

Laughing delightedly, Lirin danced up to the group and glomped Kougaiji gleefully before asking with a playful sparkle in her huge grass-green eyes, "Don't I look cute, big brother?" Suddenly becoming aware of *his* garments, she backed off a step or two and then exclaimed, "Wowzers! Don't *you* look like you should be driving a little red corvette?" 

Before the startled man could respond, however, a new pair of bishounen entered the arena and put an end to the discussion entirely. [4] 

A gorgeous, robust, and clearly seme youkai easily taller than anyone in the room seemed to be escorting a short, agitated Japanese man attired in what at first glance appeared to be eye-catching tri-colored satin pajamas yet were actually a unique theatrical version of a chef's uniform. 

Smiling down at the distraught human, Dokugakuji assured in his rumbling bass, "Please don't take offense, sir. She's just having a little fun, aren't you, Lirin?" He cast an amused glance at the girl and then plucked the red, green, and white hat straight off of her head and dusted it off before handing it deferentially to the Iron Chef of Italian cuisine, someone the raven-haired youkai didn't have a clue about actually.

"You're a mean old party pooper, Dokugakuji!" Lirin stuck her tongue out at the man who was too busy staring at his beloved-in-more-ways-than-one prince with a shocked expression on his ruggedly handsome face. Realizing her teasing was falling on deaf ears, the cute-but-busty girl shrugged, then bounced away intending to go annoy Sanzo as she was wont to do whenever she had the chance. 

Placing his treasured chef's hat back onto his own head with a snort of annoyance, Kobe remarked acidly, "I can *not* believe that we are actually going to attempt to do a show without Chairman Kaga, Doc Hattori, Fukui-san, or even Ohta here! [5] It's pure insanity!" 

With a sigh, Kougaiji ignored the irate chef and turned his head slightly towards the broad shouldered, delectable youkai wearing a long white tunic who continued to gaze at him with an odd expression. As their eyes locked together, he asked in a sultry tone few of those present had ever heard, "Well, Doku? Is there something on your mind?"

Licking suddenly dry lips and nodding slightly, the taller of the pair answered in a soft, amazed tone, "I had no idea lavender was your color, Kou." Practically undressing his revered prince with his eyes--something he was better at doing with his hands since he was, as mentioned earlier, the seme of the couple--Dokugakuji added very quietly, "Let me know if you need help getting changed after the show, all right?" 

Cheeks pinking right on cue, Kougaiji choked slightly and was terribly relieved to note that absolutely no one was paying any attention to them and he merely nodded before offering a small, promising smile to his beloved-in-more-ways-than-one lieutenant. 

Actually, the others were indeed well aware of what was going on. However, Hakkai had judiciously made a point of distracting Gojyo with a come hither gaze of his own even as Yaone had begun gazing around the large room looking for the young girl whose antics were enough to try the patience of a saint. 

Granted, Genjo Sanzo was nowhere near that patient to begin with and as he stalked over to join the group it was clear he was highly displeased with the two youngsters who were chasing each other around him in circles like the rings around Saturn. 

"That's *mine*, Lirin! Give it back!!" Goku exclaimed reaching for the girl who triumphantly held aloft a plastic wrapped meat bun which had been obtained from an astonishingly convenient vending machine the blond had found backstage. As she pulled down one eyelid and made a rude noise at him while continuing to run, he added in a whine, "Sanzo bought that for *me* not you!! Give. It. Back!!"

Large, stylized beads of sweat appeared on several of those standing nearby and as the sound of mystic munitions exploded immediately prior to a shouted command for silence, only Kobe was surprised to see a wisp of smoke leaving the barrel of a snub-nosed Smith & Wesson. 

"Shut *up* and sit *down*!!" The furious priest commanded, pleased when the monkey-boy obeyed without question plopping obediently beside his feet like a moderately well trained puppy, but less delighted with the female who took this as an invitation to climb up and sit on his shoulders. 

With a small sigh, Hakkai reached out and snagged the packaged snack from Lirin who was distracted for a split second when Dokugakuji plucked her off of Sanzo and dropped her on the floor next to Goku. Removing the meat bun from the wrapper and tearing it in half before distributing it equally to the children, the former teacher said with a resigned tone, "Since all of us seem to be assembled, perhaps we shall get some answers soon." Casting a polite though false smile at the only one there that he didn't recognize, he asked the brightly clothed man, "Are you perchance part of the regular personnel for this program, sir?"

Trying to recapture some of his usual aplomb, Kobe straightened his outfit and remarked earnestly, "Of *course* I am! Haven't you ever even *seen* 'Iron Chef' before?" Feeling as if Hakkai needed to see the embroidered crest of the Gourmet Academy on his jacket--a striking pair of bird-like things with a shield emblazoned with a K in-between them--he took a step forward that presented the entirely wrong body language.

Faux-smile turning ever so slightly threatening since he didn't like the man's tone, the brunette was about to explain politely that being on the road basically 24/7 in the Chinese backcountry chasing down and exterminating youkai driven insane by the minus wave didn't leave much time for television. 

Someone else took care of that for Hakkai, though. In a rather spectacular fashion, no less!

An impressive fighting staff with a scythe at one end and a blade at the other casually manifested in a strong, suntanned hand and was used to none too gently push the chef back a few steps as Gojyo snarled, "We're a little on the busy side ourselves, bub." Adding a possessive gaze aimed squarely at Hakkai whose three limitors sparkled dangerously in kitchen stadium's light, he added a warning that ended rather more possessively than he'd initially intended it to be, "And be careful whose face ya get in, too. Trust me, there's next to nobody you'd rather tangle with than *my* koi, if you catch my drift."

"You're a carp?" Kobe asked Hakkai in astonishment. The so-called "Prince of Pasta" blinked once, twice, thrice, caught a clue from Yaone who was hiding her giggling mouth behind her hands sweetly and then he blushed fiercely. Snatching off his hat and bowing at the waist repeatedly and looking quite chagrinned since he really and truly did *not* want to get involved in these strange people's personal lives, he recited apologetically, "Sumimasen! Sumimasen! Sumimasen!"

Lirin snickered at the chef whose pleas for forgiveness were amusing to say the least and whispered to Goku, "He looks like that wimpy manager guy from 'Gravitation', doesn't he?"

Not impressed by the girl's knowledge of yaoi anime, the amber-eyed youth shrugged and remarked, "Sorta. But he doesn't have those nerd glasses or that cool voice, though." 

"True," the girl agreed, then sighed dreamily thinking of "Koyasu-sama" and all the delicious bishounen he gave voice to. Granted, the moment she thought of Aya from "Weiss Kreuz", her smile turned into a smirk as she imagined the scarlet-haired assassin facing off against her "brother-in-law" and having his katana reduced to steel shards by Dokugakuji's Big-Ass ™ sword.

Meanwhile, among the theoretically adult members of those assembled, Gojyo was smirking broadly as his staff vanished once more into the ether it inhabited along with Goku's weapon, Heero Yuy's pistol, and several other anime character's most treasured belongings. 

Hakkai's faux-smile had warmed into one less glacial and he resumed the earlier discussion, saying to Kobe, "Now that we have established that I am not a fish and you are not one of Minekura-sensei's creations, perhaps you'll enlighten us regarding this 'Iron Chef' business." 

Noticing that he now had the full attention of all eight of these bizarre visitors to the Fuji TV studio, Kobe took a deep breath and then let it out slowly. Hoping he wouldn't irritate the blue-vested redhead again since he was sure that the man's scythe was sharper than his favorite butcher knife, he began to explain, "The show is basically a competition between one of the four top chefs in Japan--I'm the Italian one--and a challenger. There's a--" 

The explanation was interrupted by a puzzled tuxedoed man who inquired with obvious disbelief, "You're Italian?" Kougaiji gazed at a long claw-like fingernail and remarked thoughtfully, "You certainly don't look it."

"No, no," Kobe insisted, shaking his head and sighing since he had to put up with this nonsense all the time. "*I'm* not Italian, the *cuisine* I prepare is! You know, pasta, tomato sauce, stuff like that?" 

"Pasta?!" Goku enthused from his spot on the floor. Practically bouncing in place, he asked a seriously inane question due to being too hungry to think straight at the moment, "Can you make noodles with that?" 

Frowning slightly and nodding slowly, Kobe answered, "Yes, I guess you could call fettuccini or some of the ribbon pastas 'noodles' in a loose sense of the word, but--"

Springing to his feet, huge golden eyes filled with rapturous delight, the umber-haired boy finally did bounce in place as he chanted, "Yakisoba! Yakisoba! I want some yakisoba!" 

The OFP ™ appeared as if by magic and as soon as Goku's posterior was reunited with the floor, the annoyed priest growled at him, "That's *Chinese*, bakasaru, *not* Italian!"

Bowing slightly and hoping to make things a little easier on the cute boy on the floor who she considered a worthy opponent for her lord and master, "Goku-san? You'd need to have Chen-sama out here for that, all right?"

Kobe's eyes went wide and he turned towards Yaone as he asked in amazement, "Oh? So you *have* seen the show after all?" The smile of delight and relief that crossed his boyish features was brilliant as he asked hopefully, "Have you ever seen one of *my* battles?"

Nodding happily and causing her funky twisted eartails to dance about, Yaone enthused, "Oh yes! Battle Chocolate Banana was most impressive! The heart-shaped, cocoa-flavored pasta wrapped around banana with Gorgonzola cheese was most innovative!" The fact that at first glance the dessert looked more like something one found on the road following a parade that involved equestrian teams went without saying, of course.

Dokugakuji, Kougaiji, Hakkai, and Gojyo all blanched slightly none of them finding that combination appealing in the least. 

The four youkai's apparent lack of culinary sophistication went unobserved by the ecstatic man who took Yaone's hand in his own and pleaded, "If you've *seen* our wonderful, dignified show, can't you tell whoever is doing this how *wrong* it is to try to throw just anyone together and think they can get a worthy version of 'Iron Chef' out of it?!"

Blushing like a schoolgirl, Yaone enjoyed the warmth of the young Japanese man's hands on her own delicate one as she answered, "But, Kobe-sama, I don't *know* who's in charge of this. We just kind of, um, well," she paused then shrugged her shoulders and caused her substantial bosom to heave up then back down as she admitted, "er, uh, I don't know *how* we got here, we just did!"

"Actually," a voice filled with low-burning fury growled from a slight distance away, "I think that *I* have a pretty good idea who the hell is responsible for this crappy situation! The bastard responsible for this moronic excuse for humor probably is--" Sanzo was about to reveal the identity of the one he felt was to blame and then immediately recommend that the theme ingredient for the battle be llama when a flash of light interrupted him. 

A shower of confetti suddenly filled the air as rainbow splashes of light erupted in the Royal Box overlooking Kitchen Stadium, grabbing everyone's attention rather forcefully. 

"Hear ye, hear ye," a strangely bunny-eared man wearing a celestial godling's outfit intoned from his spot next to a terribly ostentatious high-backed chair carefully placed so no one on the floor could see its occupant. Sweat-dropping since he really and truly did *not* like the murderous glare he was receiving from Sanzo who didn't like to be interrupted and would like the revelation of who was responsible even less, Jirousin continued, "Allow me to present her most Royal Magnificence. Her Most Serene Blessedness. Her Kind Wonderfulness. Um, uh, oh, *hell*! I can't think up any other titles right now! Here's Kanzeon bosatsu!"

Smirking broadly as her chair pirouetted and revealed the fact that the goddess herself was indeed there and was wearing that slightly slutty-looking strapless dress she had on in the Gaiden flashback to the God of Heaven's birthday scene, Kanzeon lifted an elegant hand and waved teasingly. Continuing to smirk, she called out, "Hi, gang! Is everyone having fun?"

The assortment of remarks *this* received is for the most part unprintable in a PG-13 fic, so let's just say the answer was "no", all right?

Clueless that he was facing an incredibly powerful entity who could do pretty much anything she darn well wanted to, Kobe glared up at her and asked angrily, "Are *you* the one responsible for turning Kitchen Stadium into a circus, woman?!?"

Smirking, the goddess gazed back unimpressed and responded, "You think *this* is a circus, Kobe-doll? Really?" She snapped her fingers and the studio was suddenly overrun by trained lions, a woman with a fistful of knives, and a handsome clown whose auburn hair covered one verdant eye who was rather suggestively bound to a wooden target. Gesturing to the madness surrounding them now, she said, "No, *this* is a circus! What we had before was merely the makings for a Special Battle the likes of which Fuji TV could never have put together on their own!" Another gesture sent the strange visitors from another reality back where they belonged and she awaited the chef's reaction.

Sinking to his knees in shock, Kobe babbled for a moment, then shakily rose once more refusing to be intimidated by the bad dream he now assumed this to be. Gazing at the woman on the wildly over the top throne, he asked in as firm a voice as he could, "So, if you insist on doing this, who is to be my opponent? What is the theme ingredient? And why was I chosen, anyway, witch?"

Luckily, Kanzeon bosatsu happened to think being called a witch was a nice thing or he'd have been a little smoldering lump when she started to laugh. "Oh, I won't tell you all of that just yet, my little pasta-maker! It would spoil the surprise!" Ignoring the look of unhappiness on the chef's face, she turned her attention to the octet of souls she'd brought from her own reality and offered, "However, I will indeed tell you what roles I've chosen for everyone. Jirousin? Give me 'The List'." A long-nailed hand unfurled open palmed in command.

Blanching since he certainly had no such list, the godling patted his pockets and then shrugged with embarrassment as he admitted, "Um, Your Eminence forgot to give it to me, I think."

Turning towards him with a frown since she was pretty sure she had entrusted it to him then remembered she'd left it in her boudoir, Kanzeon bosatsu laughed and as a piece of parchment appeared magically in her hand, she commented, "Oh, yeah, right. I wrote it out while changing clothes earlier. Never mind, Jir-jir."

Huffing a sigh of relief and carefully avoiding the pathetic misuse of his name in a sad and sorry "Star Wars: Episode 1" pun, the mustached being stepped back and gladly hid in a far corner of the Royal Box as his mistress began making her wishes known. He knew some of the choices were ones that would be welcomed with open arms, others were ones that didn't seem dangerous at first, and at least one seemed suicidal, but it wasn't his place to say so. 

Oh, it was going to be a *long* day for them all!

*****

To be continued.

Author's Exhaustive and Occasionally Humorous Notes:

[1] How can *anyone* resist the image of Sanzo surrounded by an overwhelming number of miniature versions of Goku all demanding to be fed like chicks in a nest? Gotta love it!

[2] Ah, yes. *The* classic Sanzo line of all time! This roughly translates as: "Shut up! Go and die, stupid monkey!" Don't you just love the way Sanzo sounds so cruel when what he really means is, "Calm down, Goku. Of course I'll see to it that you get plenty to eat, just be patient and be quietly cute for awhile, all right?" {sweat-drop} What? You don't think that's what he *really* means? Oh well. It's open for interpretation, right? {wink}

[3] Isn't it just amazing the way that Hakkai occasionally seems to appear out of nowhere?

[4] Okay, okay, I plead guilty. While most people easily grant Morimoto the exalted status of "bishounen" despite his age, I happen to think the same should go to Kobe. Granted, he falls into the "cute" category as opposed to the "impressive" one that the former Nobu chef does, but my girls think the "Prince of Pasta" is adorable and that's good enough for me. Also, before any Kobe-lovers get upset that our usually genki chef seems so negative in this chapter, please keep in mind that he's a serious young man who has put a lot of effort into getting where he is in life and, frankly, this weirdness is *not* acceptable to him!

[5] For those of you who aren't familiar with "Iron Chef", allow me to do mini-introductions for some of the key players as well as the ancillary personnel on the show since who's who will be important later: 

[5-a] Chairman Takeshi Kaga is the handsome, charismatic master of ceremonies and also the putative owner of the Culinary Academy which theoretically operates Kitchen Stadium; in real life, he's actually an incredible stage actor, but that's beside the point. 

[5-b] Dr. Yukio Hattori is a bona fide expert on cooking and operates a legitimate culinary institute in Japan, but on the show he performs the role of expert commentator as well as occasional flirt and/or straight man. 

[5-c] Kenji Fukui is the announcer for the show and his good right-hand man is floor reporter Shinichiro Ohta whose job it is to keep track of what's in any given bowl or pot and share that information as needed. 

[5-d] There are also the guest stars which include a gentleman and a lady, usually both quite attractive and accomplished in the entertainment industry as well as two additional tasters for the amusing "tasting and judgement" segment of the program which determines the winner of the battle. Beyond this, there're usually some VIPs in the Royal Box plus typically unnamed cooking assistants and other hangers-on that we see from time to time. Now that you know who's who, the fun here will be seeing who takes which role and whether or not he or she is up to the task. Or, in the case of Sanzo, whether or not they'll even make an effort to try!

[6] Wow, these author's notes are too long, aren't they? Well, just give me another sentence or three to mention that this chapter is dedicated to my crazy, anime-loving brother and then I'll shut up. When I was having a lot of trouble getting this silly fic started again, Rubious was kind enough to send me his copy of "Iron Chef: The Official Book" and reading it has been more inspiring than I thought it might be. Gee, who knew they spent about $8,000,000 on ingredients? No wonder Goku's all agog when he arrives, ne, Mr. Peabody?

Please be advised: Part 1 will be posted alone. What a relief.

Posted: 15 October 2002 ~1:30am EDT


	3. chapter 2:: Quite a Cast of Characters

Greetings!

I'll keep the intro short and sweet since the fic is long and sour {think "citrusy"}, but before I let you go find out who has which roles thanks to Kanzeon bosatsu's twisted sense of humor, allow me to apologize for being a little slower getting this out than planned. This chapter was humming right along on schedule and then I got slowed down by a migraine which only barely let up enough for me to get the first two chapters of my brother Rubious' birthday giftfic posted.

{throws confetti in the air with an extra birthday wish here since a guy only turns 40 once, thank goodness}

On the off-chance anyone wants to scope it out, the new piece is for the eight glorious bishounen of "Weiss Kreuz" and is entitled "Neutral Territory". It's an R-rated angst epic which is incomplete yet the rough draft is already half the size of "Fateful Encounters" and will most likely surpass it in length when and if it's completed. Since it's more on-topic for this fandom to mention the status of my ongoing Saiyuki angst-fest, in case anyone wondered, "Fateful Encounters" is currently undergoing revision and posting at mediaminer.org after which the long awaited chapter 22 will be posted. 

{nods, thinks his muses need to work harder then grins brightly}

Special thanks go to yurutoriko (sorry I was slow! forgive me?), Mr. Peabody, and Kira Maxwell for the words of encouragement following the posting of chapter 1 here! I was thrilled beyond words to have made Kira smile so much and I have to agree, that "You're a carp?" is something I've wanted someone to have a character say for a long time. Ah, those wacky Japanese and their words with many meanings!

{snickers at Americans and the many uses of words like "come" and so forth then invites you to…}

Enjoy the Insanity!

~~~Enigma~~~

(who smirks and changes the detailed warning list to include a statement regarding sexual innuendo no thanks at all to a certain thing Kobe once did to an octopus as well as adding a notation revealing that the llama is indeed knowingly misusing the Japanese language slightly in the classic fan tradition)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Title: Iron Chef: Saiyuki Style [part 2/?]

Author: Enigma

Series: Saiyuki 

Written: begun September, 2002

Rating: PG-13 

Pairings: (Gojyo + Hakkai) (Kougaiji + Dokugakuji) (Sanzo + ?!?) 

Category: Crossover, Shonen ai/yaoi, Humor/Parody, Language, Squick. AU-OOC.

Archive: fanfiction.net & mediaminer.org [author: "E-sama the Llama"]

Warnings: crossover with "Iron Chef", shonen ai/yaoi, occasionally tasteless humor, tongue-very-far-in-cheek parody, less than genteel language, squicky things here and there, far more random and occasionally incorrectly used Japanese than normally found in a llama-fic because it's fun and silly, sexual innuendo a-go-go, additional warnings and pairings possible as the fic comes into being over time. AU-OOC!

Spoilers: To be on the safe side, assume that this is chockfull of spoilers for Saiyuki big and small since when the Llama gets silly he often grabs too much from an anime series without realizing it. Oh, and to be even SAFER, assume the manga, the OVAs, and the movie are at risk, too. As for "Iron Chef" what's to spoil? 

Disclaimer: "Saiyuki" is the property of Kazuya Minekura, et al. "Iron Chef" is a production of Fuji Television Network Inc. This unauthorized work of unpaid fanfiction is intended for entertainment only; kindly do not sue me.

Notes: What might happen if the bishounen and bishoujo of Saiyuki are forced to cover for Kaga & Company on an episode of "Iron Chef"? Can we all say "mayhem"? I knew that we could!

*****

Even as Jirousin was becoming intimately acquainted with some drapery at the far end of the Royal Box where he thought he might hide until the fireworks were over, Kanzeon bosatsu was in her element and then some as she deftly maneuvered her players into their places.

Clearing her throat imperiously, the sexy eternal began with the least important slots as far as she was concerned, saying, "Let's see now. Everyone already knows Kougaiji will take Chairman Kaga's spot since he's got the most flair and looks best outrageously dressed the way he is right now." 

There were disgruntled noises from the floor as the youkai prince crossed his arms over his chest angrily but he did have to agree he was easily more Kaga-esque than the other bishounen available. 

Ignoring this as she was wont to do, the goddess-turned-producer continued, "First up, the two additional tasters who get to hang around backstage and be *patient*," she glared at the youngest youkai in the room as she announced, "will be Dokugakuji and Lirin." [1] 

The girl bounced to her feet, spun towards the boy seated next to her and pointed while laughing tauntingly, "Ha! So, *there* Goku!" Adding an annoying sing-song to her tone, she danced around a bit and sang out ala' Dee-Dee, "I get to eat the dishes! I get to eat the dishes!" Obviously, she was delighted by this development, but the boy stubbornly refused to react to her, pouting while glancing at Sanzo worriedly more than a little afraid that they might be separated during this strange ordeal.

After bringing the latter portion of the program to mind, Dokugakuji, ever the adoring boyfriend, merely leaned towards Kougaiji and whispered, "Doesn't that mean I get to sit next to you during tasting and judgement, Kou? You know, where that bowtie-wearing former lower house member Yaone always says is so 'kawaii' sits? Right next to Kaga-sama?"

Realizing belatedly that it wasn't such a horrible thing to have let the pretty chemist watch her favorite TV shows in the lounge in his private wing of the castle where no evil stepmothers ever dared to set foot, the redhead smiled almost shyly and whispered back, "I think so, Doku. But I never really paid attention to the show, you know." [2] Recollection of what they usually *were* paying attention to when the two of them were in the same room flooded Kougaiji's mind. As his permanently tanned cheeks turned a darker color, he tried not to think about it more for fear that his highly tailored tuxedo pants might say too much. With a concerted effort, he then forced himself to focus on the goddess to help get his mind off Gojyo's half-brother's generous, um, "attributes". Isn't it amazing what traits breed true in certain families? [3] 

The goddess didn't care that the first two designees seemed to accept their duty fairly well, and resumed declaring who went where for all of this, saying, "Next, we've got our two BDJs to assign, and they'll be…" 

Puzzled enough to inquire, Hakkai interjected politely with a small bow, "Anou, Kanzeon bosatsu-sama? What does 'BDJ' mean?"

Rolling his eyes since he rather hated whatever unknown gaijin had coined the phrase, Kobe explained, "That's 'bimbo du jour', a reference to the fact that there's always an actress or idol singer here to add some cheesecake to the show." He frowned slightly and added in confusion, "But there's only one female guest. The other's usually a man."

Snickering at the slightly shocked look on Hakkai's face this statement evoked since it never occurred to him that a cooking show would include blatant eye-candy, the goddess clarified, "It doesn't mean that when *I'm* in charge! For this battle, they mean 'bishoujo' and 'bishounen du jour'" After sticking her tongue out at the stunned chef, she shrugged and said casually, "And those spots will be taken by Yaone and Goku. Respectively, of course." 

The teasing end sentence was lost on almost everyone in the room as a high-pitched squeal of delight erupted unexpectedly from the purple-haired girl with the huge bow on the back of her funky outfit. After clapping her hands together joyously, Yaone began to bow rapidly to the goddess as she exclaimed, "Oh, thank you, your, um, uh, er, majesty!! Thank you, thank you, thank you!" 

Everyone in the room gave her weird looks but before anyone could ask just why exactly this was such overwhelmingly good news, Goku's whoop of victory blasted them. 

"Hot damn, YES!!!" Jumping to his feet and pointing to the now crestfallen Lirin, he taunted in return, "*I* get to watch them *make* as well as *eat* the dishes! I get to watch them make as well as eat the dishes! I get to--OUCH!! What'd you do *that* for, Sanzo?!?" He demanded angrily as he turned towards his guardian with confusion in his gigantic amber eyes as he rubbed his head.

Cheek twitching violently where a tic had formed that was going nuts even as a cluster of veins popped on his forehead, the blond growled, "Shut up, bakasaru!! You're giving me another damned migraine!!"

Abashed after being bashed, the monkey-boy calmed down and hung his head apologetically as he said, "I'm sorry, Sanzo. I'll be good now."

Shoving the well used OFP (tm) into a deep sleeve-pocket angrily, the sutra-bearer snarled, "See that you are!" Deciding that sounded too kind and far too out-of-character to allow, he added in a snarling tone, "Or I really *will* kill you next time, you worthless bottomless pit!"

Glad to hear the familiar words of forgiveness, Goku smiled at the violet-eyed man and apparently had an extra millisecond to process some information from earlier on and then asked the goddess in confusion, "But you said the spot was for a '*bishounen* du jour', didn't you? Why isn't that Sanzo, then?" Gazing admiringly at the blond who steadfastly refused to look back at him for fear of what he might find if he did, he added with a negligent shrug, "Or Hakkai? Or even that idiot kappa over there? They're all more 'bishounen' than I am."

On cue, Gojyo primped a bit and flashed a roguish grin that indicated he agreed fully, yet it was more that he thought his slightly embarrassed, green-eyed beau ought to have been given the honors rather than himself. 

Tapping a long nail to her full lips which were smirking like there was no tomorrow, Kanzeon bosatsu replied archly, "Ah, perhaps they are at that, Goku, but I have better jobs in mind for them!" Pleased to see nervousness in emerald, ruby, and amethyst eyes, she added playfully, "After all, there are three wonderful positions still available that I just *know* they are perfect for!"

Deciding to take the place of spokesman for himself, his lover, and their putative leader, Hakkai inquired tentatively, "Um, and what would those be, oh Most Radiant One?" Catching an astounded look from Jirousin who'd never come up with that particular title, he reiterated his earlier statement regarding their lack of knowledge about the show by saying, "I'm afraid that none of us has seen the program before. How are we to fulfill any of the roles in the first place?"

"Oh, not to worry!" Kanzeon bosatsu smirked again in the manner that was *really* getting on everyone's nerves. "I'll implant the knowledge each of you needs before the cameras start rolling, Tenpou." Getting a lot of blank stares, she tried to remember what this incarnation's name was and changed it to, "Um, no. Er, Gonou, right?"

Sweat-dropping since he thought she'd have this straight by now, the brunette sighed and said, "My name is 'Hakkai'." The goddess grinned and nodded giving him permission to then ask, "What is my assignment? Oh, and if I may ask, is Hakuryu going to be here? I rather miss my darling dragon."

Double-checking her list, the lovely eternal smiled more gently and promised, "You'll get the answer to the last question soon enough, Hakkai. For now, though, just be satisfied with the knowledge that you're going to be the announcer for the show and will replace Fukui."

Shrugging since this meant nothing to him, the monocle-clad man agreed easily enough, "All right."

Yaone suppressed another squeal of delight since this meant she got to sit next to the handsome human-turned-youkai who some people thought she had a crush on but in actuality she just thought Hakkai was too sweet for words and she enjoyed his company greatly.

Clueless about the assignments yet not willing to remain ignorant, Gojyo tossed some of his long, blood red hair over one shoulder and called out, "Hey, good-lookin'! What ya got cookin' on your list for me, huh, sweet-thing?" 

Pleased to see the infamous flirt was at top form which was something she'd counted on from the very beginning, the goddess replied without offense, "You're going to replace Ohta, Gojyo." Seeing the anticipated empty gaze in return, she explained, "See if you can put some of that natural charm of yours to work keeping track of what's in the rice cookers and ice cream makers, all right?"

Glancing at his lover and seeing an equivalent lack of understanding that this meant she'd deliberately paired them up as a team, he, too, shrugged, and said, "Sure thing, doll-face." Casting a look at Sanzo who was pretending he didn't care where he ended up on this crazy merry-go-round of a crossover, he asked, "Ah, that leaves just one of us needing a task. What's old sourpuss over there going to be doing? Sitting up there on the floor next to your throne peeling you grapes or something, beautiful?"

"Urusai! Shi-ne, bakayaro!!" Sanzo shouted angrily since he was no woman's sextoy even as he pulled his gun and fired a few rounds at Gojyo. The implements of doom missed, of course. The bullets ricocheted off some shiny metal pots and pans creating rather attractive cascades of sparks that might've fit the situation better if they'd been fired by a humanoid typhoon instead of a surly priest until the goddess flicked the ammunition out of existence with a negligent wave. 

Laughing delightedly since the image of a sex-slave edition of the current incarnation of her rebellious nephew from centuries past appealed to her sadistic side, Kanzeon bosatsu shook her head and sent her long dark tresses dancing wildly about. With a smirk, she turned towards Kobe who was terribly unhappy that he was going to have to put up with the lanky redhead bugging him throughout the battle, and asked, "So, Kobe-baby, want to tell our trigger-happy holy man over there whose role is left?"

"Not really," the Iron Chef grumbled. Then, failing to see the hell that would follow the physical placement of the rangy blond in the seat next to the diminutive and rather hyperactive male guest star, Kobe said simply, "He'll take Doc Hattori's place, I presume. But I seriously doubt he's got the knowledge to be an expert commentator, though." This last remark was based on the fact that anyone as close to skin and bones as Sanzo was obviously didn't have a very good relationship with food in the first place.

As clueless about his fate as Hakkai and Gojyo were, Sanzo growled angrily at the goddess, "You are *not* sticking anything in *my* head so I can play your games, bitch!!" If he'd thought it would do even an ounce of good to point his Smith & Wesson at her he would have as he snarled, "And whatever this 'expert commentator' crap is about better not be anything *too* embarrassing. I am *not* going to be used for comedy relief here!"

Her laughter dropping down into the chortling range that always made his skin crawl since it foretold misery of one type or another, Kanzeon bosatsu replied with false hurt, "Oh? You don't want to be the source of amusement for tens of thousands of viewers worldwide?" Blinking her eyes with mocking faux-innocence, she added teasingly, "Golly, Sanzo, I never would've guessed!"

Kobe heaved a heavy sigh and tugged nervously at the hem of his tri-color chef's coat, wishing yet again that one of the other Iron Chefs had been selected for this bizarre situation. Muttering to himself, he complained, "Why couldn't Morimoto have been stuck here instead of me? He's got a big enough ego to cope with this crap."

"Beg pardon, Masa-chan?" [4] The goddess asked, deliberately using the man's childhood nickname hoping to keep him riled up and therefore more likely to give a passionate performance in Kitchen Stadium.

Taking the bait all too easily, the short human glared at her and repeated his earlier inquiry, "Why *me*?! Why not Morimoto? Or Chen? Or Sakai, even?!" Resisting the urge to stomp his foot in frustration, he pointed out what the celestial already knew, "They *all* have much more experience at this than I do! I'm sure one of them would give you a better battle than I can!"

Gazing at him with only a hint of compassion in her dark eyes, Kanzeon bosatsu asked in return, "Haven't you heard? All the regular cast members but you went to the hospital last week." Noting surprise and confusion in his onyx eyes, she continued, "After Battle Kim Chee they all came down with food poisoning. You're the only one available."

Shoulders slumped since he truly had no clue that had happened, Kobe shook his head and sighed, "I always knew I was missing something by only being on the summoning platform for a few of the battles." He frowned miserably and muttered, "I wish Chairman Kaga had made them add a fourth panel next to the others by now."

"But, Kobe-sama," Yaone asked a bit worriedly, crossing to him and dropping a hand lightly on his shoulder, "if he had, wouldn't that mean that *you* would be at home feeling sick right now, too?"

Keeping his head down and trying his best not to notice the ample bosom so close by or the fact that the attractive chemist smelled nice, rather like a freshly sliced peach straight from the orchard, Kobe said in a childlike voice, "Yes. That's it exactly." Lifting his eyes, he peered at the girl and sighed sadly before admitting, "But if you're one of the guests, miss, I'll give it my best shot anyway."

Smiling brightly at him and feeling as if things were already looking up, the lovely youkai said sweetly, "My name is 'Yaone', Kobe-sama. And I think you'll make wonderful things for us to eat no matter *what* the theme ingredient will be!"

Across the room quietly observant in a fashion a few people thought he couldn't be, a certain brawny youkai with a soft spot in his heart for the girl he considered a little sister, felt a small smile tug at the corners of his lips.

Turning to say something random as an excuse to gaze at his tall, virile, oh-so-yummy lover, Kougaiji saw the expression and whispered, "What's going on, Doku?" He cast a glance at where Yaone stood quite close to Kobe while the round-faced, boyish chef was wisely inquiring what kinds of foods she liked to eat since that might give him an edge in the voting, then he started smirking. 

Small smile transforming into a goofy grin, Dokugakuji leaned down towards the much shorter youkai and whispered back, "I think Yaone's got a crush on the Iron Chef, Kou." [5] 

"Oh, great! Just what we *don't* need!" the youkai prince sighed sarcastically. Then, with a bit less sarcasm and a lot more sympathy, he added, "Having her floating around and not thinking straight like that time she went after Sanzo's bunch on her own may cause us problems later." 

"You've got a point there, Kou," Dokugakuji agreed then pleaded gently, "but let her have some fun, okay? I think she's awfully lonely chasing after your little sister all the time and not really getting to go out much or anything." 

"Well, I'm not so sure…" Kougaiji hedged.

Surreptitiously running a finger down the back of the lavender tuxedo jacket promisingly yet careful to make sure no one was watching as it sank just that little bit too far down which received a wide-eyed response, the muscular youkai wheedled gently, "Please, lover? Give her a break for a change, okay, Kou?"

Fighting to act cool, calm, and collected--and losing the battle spectacularly!--the tri-tailed man agreed with a condition of his own, "All right, Doku. I won't interfere, however, *you* have to do me a favor in return."

Smirking slightly since sex always sells and he knew he had an avid customer, Dokugakuji replied in a deep, promisingly sensual rumble, "But of course, my liege." Slipping the fingertip back up and tracing his partner's spine as he went, he asked teasingly, "What type of favor might that be, Kou?"

Casting him a naked, hungry look, Kougaiji trembled slightly then said simply, "Scratch my back for me, would you?" Ignoring the flabbergasted expression on his partner's face, he added in a low whine, "I don't dare do it myself with *my* nails for fear that damned bitch has an 'Elvis-in-Vegas' costume waiting if I ruin this damned tuxedo and it's been driving me crazy!"

As the black-haired youkai tried diligently not to face-fault even as he went to work, across the room, Kobe was approaching Goku and Lirin intending to continue his information gathering, something Kanzeon bosatsu found highly amusing since it was all going to be irrelevant once the theme ingredient was revealed. Turning her royal head towards the two youkai lovers who weren't half as subtle as they thought they were, she asked, "By the by, Kou-Kaga-sama," she smirked since she liked that nickname and he obviously didn't, "do you like yellow bell peppers?"

Writhing against the firm hand on his back that was indeed getting rid of a certain itch caused by the constricting fabric while also being oddly arousing, Kougaiji gave her an inquiring gaze and asked in return, "You don't mean you intend to make me…?!" His words trailed off since he simply couldn't imagine himself doing the famous opening sequence where the Chairman of the Gourmet Academy strides out and gives Kitchen stadium a once over as an excuse for the camera to pan across it prior to biting into a pepper sexily.

With her smirk darkening and picking up a hint of malicious mischief, Kanzeon bosatsu nodded slowly and it was all she could do to keep from falling apart laughing as Kougaiji's shoulders slumped in defeat. Sizing up the opportunity to further amuse herself at his expense, she added, "You can always pick another vegetable to munch on for the opening." Slight hope entered his dark red eyes that vanished almost instantaneously as she suggested while gazing openly at Dokugakuji, "Oh, say, like a nice, long, hard, thick, *big* carrot? Like this one?" She magically brandished from midair an orange, disturbingly phallic vegetable which was much bigger around than any normal one ever was and quite lengthy, too.

This time it was the taller youkai's turn to blush and there really wasn't any way to avoid the goddess' innuendo.

Kougaiji decided he'd had more than enough and fought fire with fire by gazing at his drop dead gorgeous second-in-command lingeringly and then remarked in a casual tone, "If that's where you're headed with it, that carrot won't work. Too small. Maybe a daikon instead?" [6] 

If the earth could've opened up and swallowed him whole, Dokugakuji would've been a lot happier than he was as the goddess burst into laughter and while wiping an amused tear from one eye, she admitted defeat, "All right, all right! I won't make you perform any faux-fellatio after all, Kougaiji. Just go pick out something from the ingredients to hold or whatever and let's get this show on the road!"

Kobe glanced over from where he was jotting the thirty-third thing Goku listed as one of his favorite foods and asked nervously, "Um, what about filling everyone in on their tasks, witch? If this nightmare is going to continue, you need to 'educate' some of the participants."

"Ah, right you are, Masa-doll!" Kanzeon bosatsu lifted a hand and was about to magically distribute knowledge all around when a snarl from a blond who knew she'd pretend to forget to leave him out of it interrupted her.

Sanzo, not amused by any of this yet knowing there was no way to escape or Dokugakuji would've taken it by now following all that hentai insinuation moments before, growled darkly, "Leave me out of it, bitch. Like I said, scramble these other fools' minds all you like, but stay the hell out of *mine*!" 

"Oh, don't get your knickers in a knot about it, blondie!" The goddess snapped back already wondering if it wasn't too late to switch Sanzo with a certain manacle-clad celestial with a chip on his sexy shoulder but decided against it since it was just too much fun to annoy the gun-toting priest at times. With a wave of a long-nailed hand, she announced, "Everybody that *doesn't* have a stick up their ass, pay attention! Here's the way the game is played!" 

The air in the studio crackled with energy and as what looked remarkably like CGI special effects stolen from a mecha anime rippled out from her index finger, all of the Saiyuki characters but Sanzo had incredibly blank expressions for a moment that were then replaced with knowing ones.

Blinking in amazement as he became aware of his duties for the first time, Hakkai commented, "I'm replacing a sports announcer? [7] Who knew?"

Standing close beside his lover where he'd stationed himself earlier so they could enjoy the show between his brother and Kougaiji, Gojyo started laughing and said, "Well, KB, you picked the right guy for *my* job!" Striking a dynamic pose, he added by way of explanation with only a modicum of sarcasm, "You need a real man of action to get all those crucial floor interviews!"

Goku laughed outright in response to this and remarked playfully, "Oh, yeah, kappa, that's you all right! A regular Jackie Chan, for sure!"

"Oi, bakasaru!" Gojyo huffed in annoyance, "Keeping track of what's going on is a ton more important than sitting there making inane comments and doing your level best not to bore everybody to death!"

"Anou, Gojyo," Hakkai spoke almost hesitantly, then, with a tiny smile barely touching the corners of his lips, he asked, "Do you think we'll be able to work together half as well as Fukui and Ohta usually do? The audience will be counting on us."

Draping an adoring arm around his lover's shoulder and giving the brunette a wink, Gojyo replied, "You betcha, babe! Wait and see, 'Kai! We'll dazzle 'em!"

Little smile growing since Gojyo could make almost anything sound seductive when he wanted to, Hakkai replied with a nod and answered, "Good." He considered mentioning they could celebrate a successful effort privately later, but that thought only brought a wave of color to his cheeks he didn't want and so he distracted himself by glancing at Sanzo who was scowling mightily. Nervously he asked, "Sanzo? Is something the matter?"

Annoyed that now everyone knew what was going on while he had remained deliberately ignorant, Sanzo groused, "No, of course not! Why should there be?" Looking away from his traveling companions, he spotted Kougaiji taste-testing several varieties of grapes while choosing an ingredient for the opening. With a soft snort of derision, he assumed the fruits were sour and didn't say anything else. 

Standing next to Lirin who was being amazingly well behaved, Yaone spoke up and asked nervously, "Um, might I ask for a favor, uh, what's your name, ma'am?"

Kanzeon bosatsu made an unpleasant face and said, "Don't call me that, it makes me sound old." The eternal who was as the saying goes, older than the hills all the same, then explained with a sigh, "Why don't you call me 'KB' like that red-antennaed cockroach over there did? It sounds more like a television producer's name anyway."

Nodding and bowing slightly, Yaone agreed, "All right, KB. What I wondered was if I could wear something else instead of my usual outfit? The ladies on this show always wear such stylish things."

Shrugging and not really caring one way or the other, the goddess replied, "Why not? There ought to be some dresses backstage to pick from. Knock yourself out!"

Beaming, Yaone bowed again and said, "Oh, thank you!!" She gestured for Lirin to come with her as she prepared to go look for a more suitable outfit. 

"Hold on a second," Kanzeon bosatsu called out before the two lovely youkai lasses could leave. "Does anyone else want to change? Other than you, Kou-Kaga-sama!" The expression of disappointment on his face was predictable therefore she found little delight in it.

While glancing at each other, the rest of those assembled mumbled various negative responses and it was decided that the remaining Saiyuki characters would wear their usual attire and that was that. 

Once Yaone and Lirin headed off backstage, the regular production crew began to arrive in Kitchen Stadium somewhat hesitantly and Jirousin finally came out of hiding to guide them all as per his mistress' orders. Camera crews set up in their usual places for the most part and as the audio technicians checked their equipment, Kougaiji said his good-byes to Dokugakuji who then went off to baby-sit Lirin for awhile, not an inconsequential task by any means. 

The Iron Chef selected a luscious ripe tomato to hold grandly as always then hung his head like a condemned man as he headed towards the currently non-elevated platform which would bring him onstage at the right moment. 

Kobe absently noted that his usual string ensemble wasn't awaiting him but there was a group of decidedly bishounen J-rockers set up in their place. A cute scarlet-haired guitarist beamed at him as did a glamorous cross-dressed bassist though most of the smile was lost in the cascade of lustrous golden hair over one eye. A drummer was busy arguing loudly with an icy-eyed vocalist who seemed content to let the russet-haired man talk himself in circles even as a handsome former Noh performer sighed tiredly and tried to keep the peace. Honestly, the things an up-and-coming band had to do for promotion these days.

Even as his lover arranged himself at the announcer's spot at the four person desk, Gojyo nosed around making himself familiar with various locations within the studio and stealing a bottle of wine for later since great minds think alike. Or at least hentai ones do. 

Yaone soon took her spot next to Hakkai who offered her a compliment on the flowing sakura pink, tea-length gown she'd selected from the dresses available. She seemed to glow with contentment even as she pondered what the Iron Chef himself might think of it.

Goku was more than happy to plop down into the chair next to Yaone, but he pouted a little when Sanzo was slow to join them due to his obstinate insistence on ignorance. 

The priest who was now studiously avoiding any more Aesop's fables references finally caught a clue when the others seated together gestured towards the empty seat reserved for the expert commentator. With a snort of annoyance, Sanzo took his spot, pulled out an out-of-date newspaper since he hadn't gotten a chance to get a new one recently, put on his cute little wire-framed reading glasses, and ignored the proceedings as best he could. 

Now that everyone involved was assembled, Kanzeon bosatsu gave the order for the assorted opening shots to be filmed.

As the soaring strains of the Backdraft soundtrack filled the air, Kougaiji stepped dramatically into full view and whether he knew it or not, under the circumstances he actually looked damn good all dressed up in an old costume leftover from Prince. The usual routine was followed and after the requisite panning across expensive ingredients and equally expensive serving ware, the first two moments of truth arrived. 

At the point where Chairman Kaga always selected a yellow bell pepper, the youkai prince snagged an overly large, bright red strawberry of all things, turned it tip side up thereby reminding everyone of the carrot vs. daikon discussion, and bit into it sensuously. A low bass moan rumbled from backstage proving beyond a shadow of a doubt that a certain muscular youkai had access to a monitor.

Kanzeon bosatsu and Kougaiji both chuckled darkly after that and they finished filming the assorted opening sequences without further difficulty. 

Since it was part of Fukui's duties, Hakkai took care of reading the usual introduction to the program's concept and approach prior to the challenger's bio and ended with, "What inspiration will the challenger bring? And how will the Iron Chef fight back?" Getting an actual smile of encouragement from the goddess-cum-producer he added the traditional lead-in to the first images of the challenger with more enthusiasm than he might've had ordinarily, "The heat will be on!" 

While Kougaiji frowned a little since he was having difficulty reading the teleprompter which he was to be using soon, an image of the obviously female challenger appeared on the studio's monitors and four voices were immediately raised in reaction. [8] 

"What the *hell*?!" Sanzo spluttered not pleased in the least since if this particular girl was there someone else might be, too, and he really didn't want to see said someone else.

"But I thought she was *dead*?!" Gojyo's expression was half-fearful for reasons that would become obvious later as well as half-pleased for others.

"Oh my. I never would have guessed *she* would be selected!" Hakkai's neutral façade vanished entirely and was replaced by a strangely hesitant anticipation.

"Yatta!!! I *loved* her cooking!!" Goku shouted delightedly then sprang to his feet and pumped a fist in the air to show just how elated he really was.

A terribly smug goddess watched as Kougaiji looked at Yaone and shrugged since neither of them had any clue what was going on. 

Silence fell over Kitchen Stadium ever so briefly as if the revelation of the challenger's identity had taken everyone's breath away. The peace would last only a moment, however, and then all hell would indeed break loose as Jirousin already knew that it would. Granted, this wasn't half the shock that unveiling the utterly unexpected theme ingredient would be, but all in good time. 

Mayhem rushed is mayhem spoiled, the godling knew with a cold, unsettling certainty.

*****

To be continued.

Author's Exhaustive and Occasionally Humorous Notes:

[1] Just a point of clarification for the "Iron Chef" aficionados out there, the number of guests on the panel for this battle is as per the Kobe-era ones as opposed to way back when there was no Iron Chef Italian at all. Also, a few minor liberties will be taken as to who says what within the show and the sequence of filming, but this *is* a parody and if a few liberties weren't taken, it wouldn't be any fun, now would it? Oh, and regarding wording quoted from the show, unfortunately I don't have any other translations of the original Japanese beyond the English language version shown on Food Network, but since it's so campy and fun, I hope everybody enjoys it here.

[2] All right, this is a totally random observation, but it just hit me that poor Kougaiji is rather Cinderella-ish, isn't he? He's got an evil stepmother that makes him do all kinds of nasty chores--you know, like chasing Sanzo and company all over creation--plus one heck of a Prince Charming in the form of Dokugakuji who definitely rescues him from time to time. Thank goodness I'm far too busy to write "Cinder-Kou", ne? {wink}

[3] For further details on said attributes, see "Happy Birthday, Baby" available for your reading pleasure at MediaMiner.org. Um, well, it's available *if* you're of legal age to read NC-17 rated material, that is. {sweat-drop}

[4] Strangely enough, I did *not* make up the nickname used for our Iron Chef Italian here! He talked about it in an interview in the "Official Iron Chef Book" and I couldn't resist adding it here since the image of a chibi-Kobe is too kawaii for words!

[5] Have you ever noticed how drastic the height difference is between these two? It makes the whole "Dokugakuji carries a wounded Kougaiji cradled in his arms" bit in the anime all the more precious, though.

{pauses, pants for breath then goes on}

[6] For those of you unfamiliar with this ingredient, it's an absolutely *huge* Japanese radish frequently four or five inches in diameter and up to two feet in length. Gee, I rather hope Kougaiji was using hyperbole there, don't you? And for those of you who wondered, yes, that was the type of vegetable that Kobe once beat the daylights out of an octopus with and it was that scene which indirectly inspired this insanity.

[7] Yes, believe it or not, our beloved Fukui-san is primarily a sports announcer and he was instructed to give the show a "boxing match" style of presentation, something he was able to do despite having virtually no knowledge of cooking to begin with. He also said in an interview that the only time he was on the tasting panel he didn't enjoy the food but blamed his own unsophisticated palate instead of admitting some of those strange concoctions are just too weird for normal people.

[8] Can *you* guess who the challenger is?! I hope so based on our heroes' reactions to her, but if not, stay tuned! You'll find out at the very start of chapter 3, coming soon!

[Chapter Dedication] This evening's installment of madness and innuendo is hereby dedicated to a dear friend to whom I owe a million-and-eight pieces of email: Yanagi-sen! She sent the cutest review for the first chapter and when she said the following regarding Kou-Kaga-sama's lavender tuxedo, I fell apart laughing since this was exactly the reaction that I'd hoped for: "AAAAAAIIIIEEEEE!!!!! *cringes in horror* What is the fascination with putting redheads in purple?!!! It is a major color no-no… redheads do NOT wear purple!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Don't get me started on 'orange'." 

{snickers happily, then sighs} I have the grandest friends, don't I? {makes plans to write to Yanagi ASAP and then vanishes guiltily after letting these author's notes grow like kudzu on an old Buick}

Please be advised: Part 2 will be posted alone, which is a darned good thing because it was too long as it was!

Posted: 25 October 2002 ~2:15am EDT


	4. chapter 3:: Getting the Show on the Iron...

Greetings!

Welcome to yet another wacky installment of "Iron Chef: Saiyuki Style"! Tonight's performance is a terribly special one as you will discover in the chapter dedication.

{whispers it's part of a birthday celebration and leaves you wondering until later about that, then beams appreciatively}

Before we start the story, may I please express my appreciation to the kind folks who've shown support for this lunacy? 

Thanks go to my direct correspondents: Melissa (who is unbelievably cool for reasons to be revealed later!) , Yanagi-sen (who never fails to make me ecstatic), Rubious (who ought to go to the beach or something), and Ryoko (who is a darling). Major hugs of appreciation also go to my reviewers here at Fanfiction.net: The Go Man (are you as kawaii as Hikaru?), ceres17 (who hit me. itae.), and s1ncer1ty (who made me smile by calling me a nut! oh my, can she read my mind or what?!?). 

I can't begin to thank everyone who's taken the time to let me know they've found this a fun read enough and with everyone's continued support this wild ride will hopefully resume before too awfully much of November has passed! 

{bows appreciatively then vanishes hoping you will}

Enjoy the Insanity!

~~~Enigma~~~

(who challenges anyone to identify all the various anime and popular culture references in this chapter! good grief! there's so many even the llama isn't sure what the final count is!)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

****

Title: Iron Chef: Saiyuki Style [part 3/?]

Author: Enigma

Series: Saiyuki 

Written: begun September, 2002

Rating: PG-13 

Pairings: (Gojyo + Hakkai) (Kougaiji + Dokugakuji) (Sanzo + ?!?) 

Category: Crossover, Shonen ai/yaoi, Humor/Parody, Language, Squick. AU-OOC.

Archive: fanfiction.net & mediaminer.org [author: "E-sama the Llama"]

Warnings: crossover with "Iron Chef", shonen ai/yaoi, occasionally tasteless humor, tongue-very-far-in-cheek parody, less than genteel language, squicky things here and there, far more random and occasionally incorrectly used Japanese than normally found in a llama-fic because it's fun and silly, sexual innuendo a-go-go, additional warnings and pairings possible as the fic comes into being over time. AU-OOC!

Spoilers: To be on the safe side, assume that this is chockfull of spoilers for Saiyuki big and small since when the Llama gets silly he often grabs too much from an anime series without realizing it. Oh, and to be even SAFER, assume the manga, the OVAs, and the movie are at risk, too. As for "Iron Chef" what's to spoil? 

Disclaimer: "Saiyuki" is the property of Kazuya Minekura, et al. "Iron Chef" is a production of Fuji Television Network Inc. This unauthorized work of unpaid fanfiction is intended for entertainment only; kindly do not sue me.

Notes: What might happen if the bishounen and bishoujo of Saiyuki are forced to cover for Kaga & Company on an episode of "Iron Chef"? Can we all say "mayhem"? I knew that we could!

*****

Special Punctuation Note: Words surrounded by tildes like this ~ La, la, la, la, la! All around the World! ~ are song lyrics. 

*****

Still on his feet and joyous after the image of the challenger had been revealed, Goku jumped around like a well known pink bunny which sells batteries and asked urgently, "Where is she? Where is she?!" 

"Where is whom?" Kougaiji asked, baffled by the reactions of the Sanzo-ikkuo and then glanced over his shoulder at the girl with red hair and eyes smiling sweetly on the monitor and added, "Um, isn't she a half-breed like you, Gojyo?"

"Yeah, she sure is," Gojyo replied and smirked slightly as he admitted, "but I never thought I'd see her again."

"Forgive my ignorance, Hakkai-san, but who is she?" Yaone leaned over and whispered to the man beside her.

Carefully schooling his expression back into its usual emotionless mask, Hakkai replied equally quietly, "Ah, Yaone-san, that is Houran. [1] We met her one night awhile back in the midst of the journey, but what Gojyo said is true. We all thought she was dead."

While glancing at the image on the little monitors in front of them, the pretty chemist replied, "Well, she certain seems to be alive now. Perhaps KB will explain later?"

"I should hope so!" Hakkai agreed with a sigh.

Sanzo, arms crossed over his chest angrily with his newspaper and glasses temporarily forgotten, muttered unkind things under his breath even as his violet eyes frantically scanned the arena searching for danger. All it would take to set him off at that moment was a glimpse of dark, hero-worshipping eyes or worse a damned orange paper airplane. With a relieved sigh, he found neither and he relaxed enough to go back to re-reading an old article about street-racing tofu delivery boys.

The boy who was doing a good impression of a hyperactive kindergartener who had too much Jolt Cola shouted towards the Royal Box, "Hey! When's Houran coming out? I want to get to say 'hi' to her!" What Goku really wanted to do was tell the adorable girl what things he wanted most to eat as well as to greet a friend presumed dead.

"She'll be out here when it's time to film the 'walking the iron road' part of the opening, Goku, calm down," Kanzeon bosatsu replied patiently while also stealing one of Kaga's infrequently used nicknames for the part of the show when the challenger comes out from behind a curtain. [2] 

Growing somewhat concerned since they were shooting scenes out of sequence and skipping some entirely, Jirousin finally spoke up again and said, "Um, Most Revered One? Didn't we forget a few things?" When the goddess gave him a "do not *ever* accuse me of making an error!" glare that threatened an eternity of harassment for questioning her, he rushed to add, "But as producer whatever you select is automatically correct, yes?"

Favoring him with a tiny, dangerous smile, the goddess replied, "Oh, you mean all the chefs rising up and being introduced plus the challenger's background film, right, J-baby?"

Sweat-dropping because her vocabulary was getting weirder and weirder as this strange adventure wore on, Jirousin said, "Well, yes, and a few other things we probably don't need."

Waving a hand negligently in the air, Kanzeon bosatsu responded, "Yes, I've decided to streamline several parts I always got bored during and plan to make other changes as I go." Deciding to prevent any other questioning of her approach she added, "And don't worry about any other little things that shift later! We can fix virtually anything in post-production, okay?"

Shoulders drooping since the very idea of sitting in an editing booth with the demanding eternal didn't appeal to him in the least, the godling nodded his head and sighed, "As you wish, Majesty."

While Sanzo was using a death glare borrowed from Heero Yuy to force Goku back into his seat wordlessly, Kougaiji suggested, "Why don't we let the challenger come out and then summon the Iron Chef and all that? I doubt my little sister or Sanzo's monkey over there will be able to hold out forever with so much food around."

"Hey! I'm not a monkey!" Goku rather pointedly disputed part but not all of Kougaiji's statement then added while his stomach made its first low growl of hunger, "But I *am* hungry! Can I have a snack now?"

"No, you have to wait for 'tasting and judgement', baka," Gojyo remarked with a smirk since he had devious plans of his own to get a bite or two to eat during filming anyway. Chortling to himself that by doing that he'd probably drive his young friend/backseat nemesis crazy, he sauntered over to the desk where his lover sat and leaned down to whisper in Hakkai's ear, "Good luck putting up with this three, 'Kai. If Sanzo and Goku don't kill each other, I'll be surprised." 

Turning his head slightly so that they were eye to eye, Hakkai responded with a sigh, "True, true, Gojyo. After all, that *is* the reason we don't let them sit together when we're in Hakuryu for kilometers on end, now isn't it?" [3] 

Chuckling and nodding, Gojyo took a quick glance at his surroundings, realized no one was paying them the least bit of attention and snagged a very quick, very unexpected kiss from his partner's lips then straightened and announced more loudly, "Well, guys and doll, I gotta boogey." His delighted smirk was simply brilliant as Hakkai's cheeks flushed bright pink in reaction to the buss. With a wink at the girl in the lovely pink dress, he remarked, "Time to go prove that a scandalous dandy can be a good floor reporter! Have fun, Yaone. Don't let Hakkai get in any trouble, okay, gorgeous?"

Joining the brunette in a blushing contest, Yaone smiled shyly and nodded as she said, "Certainly, Gojyo-san. I'm sure we'll do just fine." Glancing at the emerald-eyed man next to her, she distantly thought he must be overly warm from the studio lights and didn't give his heightened coloring much thought. 

Trying to hide at least a little of his embarrassment by placing a hand over one flaming cheek, Hakkai sighed deeply and then looked down at his teleprompter seeking information as to what part of this charade came next.

At the other end of the table, Sanzo was doing his level best to pretend to not hear Goku's stomach rumbling or the little miserable whimpers the boy was making. As guardian to the earth-spirit in the form of an eternal youth, the blond had developed an automatic response to the sound and it was all he could do to not get up and stalk backstage seeking that oh-so-convenient vending machine to get the poor kid another meat bun. Ah, the things a father-figure has to put up with. 

Squirming in his seat, Goku reminded himself that if he was good they might let him lick the bowl if anyone made cake and that brought a smile to his face. Before the boy could ask Yaone if she thought someone might make dessert for the tasting panel to enjoy, the studio filled with the strains of the Backdraft soundtrack again and it was time to get busy.

Kougaiji straightened his tuxedo jacket and then after forcing himself to put on "that damned sissy hat" he strode to the center of Kitchen Stadium to await the arrival of the challenger. 

Heavy red velvet curtains were drawn back and a petite red-haired girl came in. She was attired in a perfectly lovely classic Chinese ensemble that looked entirely wrong for cooking in but it suited her for the introduction and she approached the youkai prince with dainty, almost mincing steps. Once she stood next to him, she looked up into his dark red eyes and smiled sweetly awaiting his greeting.

With a nod, Kougaiji stated, "On behalf of Chairman Kaga, Kanzeon bosatsu, and myself, may I welcome you to Kitchen Stadium."

Bowing as she tended to do on a regular basis, Houran replied, "I am honored to be here." As a slightly puzzled expression crossed her delicate features, she added with a tiny shrug, "Actually, since I was dead last thing I knew, it's an honor to be much of anywhere."

Knowing they could edit it out in post-production, Kougaiji decided to give in to his curiosity and asked, "Yes, Gojyo mentioned that. Does this mean you're a zombie?"

"'Zombie'? Me?" Houran asked, actually wondering about it for a moment. Then she shook her head and said, "I don't think so, but I'm not sure. I've never met a zombie before."

Over at the announcer's desk, a shudder ran through Hakkai at the mention of the undead but that was angsty and not funny so nothing was said about the fact that he was thinking of a certain cruel being best left unmentioned. 

Goku was bouncing in his seat because he wanted to get up and greet the girl, but since Sanzo had given him another off-screen thwap with the OFP ™, he was being patient. Or rather what passed as patient for a hungry monkey-boy. In other words, he was counting the number of ingredients available which were arranged artfully around the studio and contemplating which ones wouldn't be used that he might abscond with later.

From her spot aloft in the Royal Box, Kanzeon bosatsu interjected, "No, no, Houran is *not* a zombie, Kougaiji!" All eyes were on the goddess as she explained with a touch of guilt in her voice, "I've given her a 'pass' to come back to life for awhile. I felt rather badly for that whole 'sucked into hammer space or whatever' business. Now, if you don't mind, can we *please* get back to the show?"

Shrugging since none of this made any sense at all--obviously Kougaiji didn't have a copy of "Requiem" to watch in that Empress-proof lounge of his back at the castle--the tri-tailed man agreed easily enough, "Sure, why not? The sooner we get this over with the sooner we all get to go home, right?" Realizing that shrug had re-ignited the itch in his back he added with a growl, "And the sooner I get out of this insane outfit, too!"

Houran simple stood where she was casting small smiles at the members of the Sanzo-ikkuo and thinking it would be nice to get to see them all again. 

Kougaiji resumed his Kaga duties and turned towards the half-breed girl and said grandly, "Now may I present the pride of the Gourmet Academy? I summon the Iron Chef!" He waved a lavender-clad arm towards the sole stand where Kobe usually arose from below surrounded by an elegant string ensemble. 

Instead of the stirring classical melody that usually accompanied the Iron Chef Italian, a heavy rock beat throbbed from the rising platform. A sensual voice like velvet over silk sang out a few lines about removing handcuffs only after someone begged him for it and then burst into the familiar line, "Blue… blue… Datenshi blue!!" 

As five scrumptious bishounen came into view all dressed in stunning outfits, Yaone leapt to her feet and gave a classic fangirl scream before barely keeping from shouting Sakuya's name. 

The sexy-as-sin singer did notice her of course, and he cast her a trademarked smile that was more dazzling than the sun and earned himself another scream of delight as well as an indulgent smirk from most of his bandmates. Honestly, if Gojyo wasn't already the consummate flirt, he could've taken lessons from the unbearably talented soloist. 

Enjoying the song, Hakkai smiled minutely and nodded to himself, "It has a nice beat."

Standing just outside of camera range, Gojyo heard his lover's remark and answered, "And I can dance to it!" As if to prove his point, he swiveled slender hips seductively and gained quite a few stares for his efforts not the least of which was from a certain little scarlet-haired guitarist.

Unaware of Gojyo's playful performance, Goku was scribbling something on a card which he then held up and said in all seriousness, "An 85. I give it an 85." The boy looked rather like a participant on an American television show about popular music hosted by someone who seemed as ageless as himself. 

To everyone's amazement, Sanzo unexpectedly snorted, "Hmph. I liked the original GLAY opening theme better." Absolutely everyone who had heard him then turned and stared at the blond who then stuck a finger in his ear and ignored the proceedings yet again. 

With the pounding music filling the air and the various painfully handsome young men around him, poor Kobe was almost forgotten where he stood clutching his tomato as if it was a security blanket or something. The wish that he, too, was home recovering from food poisoning crossed his mind yet again even as the song ended and the musicians all took a bow.

Noticing the next line he needed to say on the teleprompter, Kougaiji intoned, "That was 'Datenshi Blue' by Lucifer. Look for them on the 'Kaikan Phrase Soundtrack' from Ever Anime."

The quintet of glamorous J-rockers gave one more bow and then--since Kobe had beat a hasty retreat over to his kitchen area while no one was looking--the platform sank back out of sight with them.

Kanzeon bosatsu smirked delightedly and commented to Jirousin in a playfully high pitched voice, "Wowzers, J-chan, they were cool, weren't they?"  
Sweat-dropping a flood, the godling wasn't sure what to say but came up with, "If you say so, Oh Most Bobby Soxer-ish One."

While nodding since she had to agree, the goddess then called out loudly, "CUT!!" Several eyebrows raised since she'd finally used a standard term when producing a show and added, "Everybody take five!"

"Yatta!!!" Goku shouted delightedly and bounced out of his seat so he could run over to greet the challenger, saying, "Hi, again, Houran!! I'm so glad to see you!" Behind him moving at a more sedate pace came the other two youkai from Sanzo's contingent but a certain blond was conspicuously absent from the welcoming committee. In fact, at that moment, the priest was conspicuously absent from Kitchen Stadium entirely, but that was a mystery for later. 

Less mysterious was the fact that Yaone had also hurried off clutching an autograph book that had magically appeared when she needed it most even as she went bishounen hunting.

Bowing deeply and then beaming at the boy, Houran replied, "I'm very happy to see you again, too, Goku-kun." Noticing the other two men, she bowed again and added shyly, "Hello, Gojyo-san. Hakkai-san." 

"Howdy, honey," Gojyo remarked warmly, hiding the nervousness which had surged up within himself again.

"It is a pleasure to see you once more, Houran," Hakkai commented politely then asked with a curious tone, "How long have you been alive again?" It might've seemed odd that they could speak together so calmly about such a miraculous thing, but when you're a pawn in the hands of Kanzeon bosatsu, you get to where almost nothing trips your weird-o-meter.

"Just a little while, actually," Houran answered. Then she shook her head and caused her incredibly long hair to wisp about her prettily as she admitted, "This is rather strange though. To be alive again is one thing. To be in Tokyo and on television is quite another."

"I can well imagine," Hakkai remarked.

Before the former teacher could say anything else, Goku asked excitedly, "What're you gonna cook, Houran?" With a whimper he added, "I am *so* hungry! No one will let me have a snack! They're all so mean!!"

Hiding her laughter politely behind one hand, the girl said, "I won't know what to make until we find out what the theme ingredient is, Goku-san." Noticing Kanzeon bosatsu was watching them with an indulgent smile on her lips, she added, "I'm terribly glad she was able to not only bring me back to life but also explain all of this to me. It ought to be quite a challenge to make four or five dishes in only an hour."

"Why do you say that, Houran?" Goku whined, he'd been counting on her ability to manifest a huge feast in next to no time the way that she had the night they'd eaten her cooking previously. "You made all that yummy good stuff super-fast before! I mean, you brought out soup, noodles, stew, fish, tons of rice, roast, lobster, oodles of vegetables, porridge, mussels and clams, and even made me fresh juice when we were at your place that time. Can't you do that again?" His empty belly rumbled once more and he clutched it regretting having been forced to give the summary of the table scene that way.

Gazing at him apologetically, she explained, "I had most of that ready before the whole 'oh help! save me from the giant chicken from hell' business, Goku-san." [4] Bowing deeply she said, "I feel really awful about most of that night, by the way."

"Don't worry your pretty little head about it, Houran!" Gojyo remarked easily enough and added with a nonchalant shrug, "It takes more than a crazed origami fanatic to knock us down for long!"

Grateful, she bowed yet again, and said, "You are too kind, Gojyo-san."

"Ah, Houran?" Hakkai interjected with a nod of his head, "Might I speak with you for a moment? Alone?" He could practically sense the ribbons of nervousness coming from Gojyo even as he lead the girl a little ways away.

"What can I do for you, Hakkai-san?" She asked, scarlet eyes wide and innocent.

Ignoring the fact that Gojyo was leaning towards them as if to eavesdrop, Hakkai asked quietly, "Anou, about that evening and, um, your attack on Gojyo when he was in the shower and all?"

"Oh, that!" She replied with a frown, "I'm terribly sorry, really I am."

"No, no, it's nothing like that," Hakkai hurried to say, gesturing with a hand in a hopefully calming way. Sweat-dropping, he explained, "I just wanted to apologize for Gojyo coming on to you in his room the way that he did. He's such a flirt at times."

Peering at him closely, Houran noticed the fond expression in his eyes and as most women can do without thinking about it, she deduced the nature of the two men's relationship and then, beaming, she said, "That's all right, Hakkai-san. I got the feeling he didn't really mean it at the time." Reflecting on what she'd seen when she snuck up on the astoundingly well-endowed and all together naked man, she added enthusiastically, "He was so sweet even though I did what I did in the shower. Oh! And he has the cutest little mole right next to his magnificent--" 

Her words were silenced by a hand over her mouth and while he blushed mightily, Hakkai agreed, "Yes, yes indeed he does. But, um, I don't think we need to discuss that now." Cheeks aflame, he turned towards his partner and said, "Um, Gojyo? Why don't you show Houran around Kitchen Stadium? Let her get the lay of the land, so to speak?"

Dreadfully curious what the two had talked about, Gojyo leapt at the opportunity figuratively speaking and responded, "You betcha, Hakkai!" Offering an arm to the lovely girl, he said, "Come on, beautiful, let's go see what there is for you to work with here, okay?"

With a shy smile, Houran threaded a hand around his arm and off they went to see what they could see.

Heaving a sigh and thinking he'd rather be battling an army or three of minus-wave maddened youkai than doing all of this, Hakkai turned towards where he thought Goku had been standing and found the boy sitting on the floor, chin quivering. Giving him a worried look, he asked, "What's wrong, Goku? You were so excited to see Houran earlier, are you sorry she was chosen now that you know she can't make two dozen things in an hour the way you thought she could?"

"No, that's not it," Goku pouted and then even as his stomach roared again, he added unnecessarily, "I'm just *so* hungry!!"

"Ah, I understand," Hakkai replied with a nod then held out his hand offering his friend assistance getting up and he added, "why don't we go find Sanzo, Goku? He seems to be missing from Doc Hattori's seat at the moment."

"Nani?!" Goku grabbed Hakkai's hand and lifted himself to his feet easily before gazing around the room in mild panic, "Where do you think he went, Hakkai? Do you think he could be in trouble?!" His trusty fighting staff manifested automatically and the young warrior looked like he was ready for a fight on the off-chance his guardian was in danger of attack from, oh, say, a rogue script girl or something.

"I'm sure I don't know," Hakkai admitted but before he could suggest a place to look, the golden-robed man reappeared as if by magic.

With an amazingly relaxed swing in his step, Sanzo made his way back to his seat. He sank into it with what might've been a small, victorious smile on his lips but wasn't since he almost never smiled unless a certain bumbling group of imitators were around to cheer him up with their sheer idiocy. Granted, the faux-Sanzo and faux-Hakkai did run that noodle stand at one point and they could've been brought in as challengers but they weren't and that was good since they weren't terribly photogenic even if it would've meant Sanzo might've cracked a smile or two with them there.

After banishing his staff to its spot in another dimension where it hung out with Gojyo's staff and a whole kit and caboodle of duel monsters, Goku rushed over and demanded, "Ne, Sanzo?! Where did you *go*?!" When the man gestured towards the boy's empty seat in wordless command, Goku sank into it obediently and whimpered, "I was scared that you were in trouble for a second."

"Urusai, bakasaru," Sanzo grumbled angrily by way of demonstrating he was in a better mood after raiding the Chairman's private stash and reached into a deep sleeve-pocket and produced the unexpected. In his hand were a can of beer for himself and a box of extra-large strawberry Pocky a piece of which was vaguely obscene if you had a hentai mind which he handed to Goku along with a warning, "Just don't eat it when you're on camera, monkey. I don't feel like getting hassled about it."

Beaming delightedly, Goku sang out his classic line, "Sankyuu, Sanzo!" 

"Hn," Sanzo snorted, popped the top of the first of several cans of beer and relaxed while deliberately not noting with some satisfaction that the boy's stomach ceased growling as piece after piece of the Japanese snack vanished into the eternally hungry youth's mouth.

During the conversation between the eldest and youngest members of the group he traveled with, Hakkai had made his way back to Fukui's seat and sank into it with a small expression of approval that Sanzo was doing what Sanzo always did. The care and feeding of a hyperactive monkey-boy was a fulltime job best done with an Asahi in one hand.

Returning from her jaunt to get the autographs of the bishounen of Lucifer, Yaone seemed to float back to her chair and she sank into it with a dreamy smile.

Curious, Hakkai turned to her and asked, "Are you all right, Yaone-san?"

"Mmhmm," she acknowledged continuing to smile like a girl who had won a date with her favorite move star thanks to a teen magazine contest. Noticing that the handsome brunette looked a bit concerned, she explained as she pointed to lips more pink than they were when she'd left, "They were all so very nice and Towa even suggested I try some of his lipstick since it matched my dress. Isn't that nice, Hakkai-san?"

Sweat-dropping at the thought of the gorgeous bassist-cum-fashion model sharing his cosmetics with the youkai lass, Hakkai chuckled nervously and agreed, "Oh my, yes. Simply lovely."

She heaved a happy sigh as she paged through her new autograph book thrilled when she saw that Atsuro had drawn her a cute little neko on his page as stagehands bustled about getting everything ready for the unveiling of the theme ingredient. Yaone giggled outright when she saw that Santa had drawn--what else?--a little Santa Claus on his page whereas Yukifumi simply signed his name with the most elegantly masculine handwriting she'd ever seen. With a deep sigh of fangirl joy, she clutched the book to her breast and silently reminded herself to get Kobe to sign it later if at all possible. 

Houran decided her usual outfit with its dreadfully long sleeves that covered her hands simply wouldn't allow her the freedom of motion she needed to cook and slipped backstage for a quick change into a spare chef's outfit. When she returned, the half-breed girl looked simply too cute for words in an apricot-hued silk jacket with matching pants and a crisp white apron tied around her dainty waist. Her unbelievably long hair had been put up in a chic chignon with a few wisps left loose to dance around her face attractively. It was nice that someone bothered to put a redhead in an appropriate color, wasn't it?

After giving Houran the grand tour earlier, Gojyo had been gossiping with Kougaiji since Dokugakuji had a birthday coming up and the youkai prince wanted to give his beloved second-in-command something special which he rightly assumed the raven-haired youkai's brother would have some ideas about. With suggestions based on some memorable birthdays shared with his own partner, Gojyo had seen to it that the tri-tailed man was blushing as badly as Hakkai had been earlier. 

Mission accomplished, the former lady's man then turned and saw Houran's new outfit and--simply put--his jaw almost fell off. Sauntering over to her with a definite swagger in his stride, Gojyo commented, "Don't *you* look cuter than Hello Kitty on a good fur day, Houran!"

Cheeks flushing due to the praise, Houran responded, "Oh, Gojyo-san, please! It's just a little something I found backstage."

Circling the girl as if she was a tasty fish and he was a big bad shark, Gojyo shook his head from side to side and disagreed, "Hell, I wasn't talking about the clothes, darlin'! You look just *adorable* with your hair up." He leaned close and whispered in her ear earnestly, "Very grown up, too. Your daddy'd be proud to see his little girl this way!" 

"Do you really think so?" She asked hopefully, then glanced at Hakkai and was amazed he didn't look the least bit worried to have his boyfriend apparently flirting so outrageously with her. Baffled by his lack of expression, she whispered, "Anou, Gojyo-san? Doesn't he care if you act like this?"

A small frown furrowed the scarlet-eyed man's forehead and he whispered back, "'He' who?"

"Hakkai-san," she replied softly.

Flicking a glance at his lover and seeing past the façade and into the real emotion beneath it, Gojyo smiled slightly since she was worrying over nothing then straightened and commented negligently, "Nope. Right at the moment he's busy worrying about where a certain white dragon is. Frankly, I'm a little worried about Hakuryu, too, but it looks like it's game time." He gestured with his head towards Kougaiji who was walking up to the ingredient stand.

"Yes, it certainly does," Houran agreed, then asked, "Wish me luck, Gojyo-san?" 

"Why should I?" Gojyo replied confidently, "You've got it in the bag already as cute as you are, Houran. Now go get 'em, my little Chinese chickadee!" He playfully swatted her on the butt then strolled away as she laughed lightly. 

Scowling as he read his copy on the teleprompter which held a lot of inane rambling about the reason the theme ingredient reflected the challenger or some BS like that, Kougaiji asked, "Do I really have to say all this? It's terribly hokey." With a snort of derision he added, "This is worse than Persia's call-to-arms is!"

From where she sat on her throne in the Royal Box, Kanzeon bosatsu had watched and listened without interfering for awhile but this needed a comment from the producer, so she replied, "What's the matter, Kou-Kaga-sama? Too many big words for you?"

Rolling deep maroon eyes dramatically, Kougaiji responded, "No, not by a longshot. It's just that some of this sounds incredibly stupid. Can't we save it for the post-production voice-over when they add the footage of where the theme ingredient grew and all that?"

Shrugging and making the bodice of her sleeveless gown wobble disturbingly, the eternal agreed, "Sure, why not? I'm bored as it is. Let's get on with it." She pointed a regal fingernail at the camera operator on a boom whose job it was to capture the moment of revelation and commanded, "We're going straight to the unveiling ceremony."

"You got it, KB!" An excitable teen with pink hair who had snuck in since he'd heard Lucifer was going to be performing there and he wondered if they were better than Bad Luck chirped in return. With more expertise than one would expect from a notoriously flighty J-pop singer, he maneuvered the camera into position and called to the attractive, ponytailed blond who operated the hydraulics on the boom, "Are you ready?" 

After making sure his omnipresent holstered handgun wasn't in the way, the man looked back with a broad smile and assured, "Absolutely! Can't wait for the theme ingredient to be unveiled, though." With a twinkle in his eye that wasn't concealed by his glasses, he added playfully, "It's sure to be *Big News*!" [5] 

Giggling helplessly, the younger of the two called back, "Okay, K-san!" He offered a thumbs up to Kanzeon bosatsu who was smirking evilly and thinking Yuki Eiri could be Sanzo's long lost twin since the two ill-tempered blondes were so much alike. When the goddess merely nodded her approval, Shuichi called out, "Oi! Chairman-guy! We're ready!" 

Kougaiji nodded his understanding and as the normal dramatic music for the moment was replaced by totally atypical music with actual lyrics in English no less, the ingredient podium rose up majestically from its previously concealed location. 

Partway into the song recognized by none present other than the immortal who had a lot of time on her hands to kill watching old sitcoms, the words ended prematurely with these lyrics:

~ A three hour tour. ~

~ The weather started getting rough. ~

~ The mighty ship was tossed. ~

~ If not for the courage of her fearless crew, ~

~ The Minnow would be lost! ~

As soon as the voices died away, Kougaiji took one corner of the fabric covering some terribly lumpy, bumpy collection of things on the glowing platform and pulled it off with a great deal of flair while shouting something about unveiling the theme ingredient. 

Cameras focused on those in the studio recorded their various reactions to the newly revealed food items and this is what they caught on tape: 

Houran looked utterly astounded as well as pleased since it was something sweet just like herself. 

Kobe was openly frightened as he chewed on his lower lip nervously in the cute way that he does so often whenever the ingredient isn't something terribly appropriate for Italian cuisine.

Gojyo seemed disinterested at first, but spotting a familiar blue can with a parrot on it amongst the strange assortment of things on the platform gave him reason to smirk.

Hakkai was massively relieved in an inscrutable "no one can tell what I'm thinking, but all that I'm thinking is that I'm really glad there wasn't a little white dragon under there" kind of way. [6] 

Yaone was clapping her hands together with delight already imagining all sorts of delicious things to eat made with the ingredient never before featured on "Iron Chef".

Goku was back to bouncing in his seat excitedly and if it wasn't for the outrageous pink Pocky hidden so the camera wouldn't see it, his stomach would have roared like a lion in anticipation of a flavorful feast.

Last but not least, Sanzo glanced up from the pages of "Bishounen's Quarterly", a men's fashion magazine he'd found in Kaga's office while liberating the Pocky and beer, then with an expressive roll of amethyst eyes, he growled, "Oh, great. Just what we *don't* need. More nuts around here!"

Several people face-faulted since he'd apparently told a joke for the first time in known history while others passed out due to shock for the same reason and, as it had before, it seemed like time stood still as everyone came to terms with the newly revealed challenge. 

Oh yes, the exotic ingredient was indeed a challenge. A regular "tough nut to crack" at that! [7] 

*****

To be continued.

Author's Exhaustive and Occasionally Humorous Notes:

[1] For those of you who don't know, this is one of the two main guest stars in "Requiem". Also, for those of you who've only seen the egregious Hong Kong knockoff of the original, the name in the subtitles is dead wrong as simply listening to the language track can show. The spelling I'm using is courtesy of the official artbook for the movie, published by Enix which sadly doesn't bother to give our challenger a surname but happily includes a whole page of slippery wet oh-so-sexy naked Gojyo images. Gee, no wonder Hakkai had to hush her up, ne?

[2] For once here's a reference to "Iron Chef" related trivia that I did *not* glean from that book which I keep citing! This is something Chairman Kaga says only a few times and mostly in the older shows in regards to the formal entry of a challenger into Kitchen stadium, but he's so earnest when he uses that nickname that it's easy to see he really views it that way.

[3] As far as Hakkai's comment regarding the seating arrangement in Hakuryu when it is in Jeep mode goes, you didn't think Sanzo and Goku always sat apart for no reason at all did you?

[4] The fact that Houran could put so much food out in so little time was never explained in the movie and after thinking about it, I decided this made more sense than anything else I could come up with. Granted, time works differently in the "Saiyuki" world than it does in the real one or Gojyo and Goku couldn't have finished their share of the banquet in roughly a minute and a half, ne?

[5] I just love the way K always says that in English in "Gravitation"! It seems as if it needs to be capitalized, too, hence the way it's written here.

[6] Gomenasai for this squicky thought, but someone wrote to me terribly afraid Hakuryu was going to be theme ingredient. I assured her it wasn't and then someone else mentioned it as well, so here you go. Then again, this means you *still* don't know where that darling magical creature is, now do you? Yes, I *am* evil.

[7] Can *you* predict what the theme ingredient is? Feel free to post a guess at either fanfiction.net or mediaminer.org with the review feature and then find out if you're right in chapter 4, hopefully coming soon!

[Chapter Dedication] Tonight's posting run is a very special one and is dedicated to a delightful young lady who turned Sweet 16 on Sunday, November 03, 2002. Who might that be, you ask? Why, none other than my darling eldest chibi Amanda, no da!! {plays birthday music and smirks since the beloved daughter received a printed copy of this right before bed and went to dreamland with a big smile on her face because of it!} She's been a big help with not only this story but so many others as well and I just couldn't resist a chance to let the world at large know how much I appreciate it with this little 6,000+ word gift of mine! {smiles and says to the dear offspring who has appeared in various fics as herself and other miscellaneous characters} Happy birthday, Mamba-chan! I'm so proud of you!

Please be advised: Part 3 will be posted alone. Thank your lucky stars for that! Or was that your Lucky Charms? Oh, never mind. This is enough nonsense for one chapter.

Posted: 04 November 2002 ~1:00am EST


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